Like I said, guys don't go in there to talk. Really there isn't anything that we could say in the confines of that oddly sterile yet usually disgusting place that needs to be discussed RIGHT THERE. It's never a discussion. Usually, if guys are talking in a bathroom it's statements of fact; factorum non debatum. Acceptable bathroom lines of discussion (note all should be answered in the affirmative):
- This band/party/happy hour/strip club is amazing.
- I'm really drunk/high/wasted right now.
- That chick was super hot/slutty/fat/cougerish.
- Avitar was freakin amazing/sweet/seizure enducing.
- I believe the original Back to the Future was superior to the other two.
Worse than that, is when a superior at work wants to talk to YOU in the bathroom. You have to talk back, you can't ignore your boss. Don't worry, it will usually just be a question or two (he's still a guy and is going to the bathroom). Remember, the affirmative rule from above. You just grip on what God endowed you with and answer back with confidence. How was your weekend? Fucking awesome, and you're done. Remember, it will probably only be a question or two. Plan for this. Remember, you're never required to ask a followup question. This will put him on the defensive and that isn't what you want to do. He who controls the salary gets to ask the questions while he pees. Old bathroom proverb. Written right next to "Brett is gay".
If you have to ask questions, do it at the sink. The sink is where all the talking should be happening anyways. I mean, first of all, you're only there cause someone else is in the bathroom in the first place, so it's not like you're really using it. Second of all, there is usually a mirror, so both parties can look at how much better looking they are than the other guy instead of actually listening to what he is saying.
This blog post was inspired by me breaking every one of these rules in from of the VP in my department yesterday. The things I do for you people...