Giant Blue CGI Penises for EVERYONE!

The overwhelming review that I've gotten from people who've seen the "Watchmen" is the following:

"It was an amazing movie. The ending was a bit weak. There was ALOT of full frontal blue glowing naked guy!"

After seeing the movie myself last week, I have to agree with the above review completely. I've included a picture of said blue glowing naked guy, Dr Manhattan, on the right. So, before seeing the movie though, I was wondering how many times you would see his junk. For the first 30 minutes of the movie they don't show it. Its always shots from the navel up or when he is standing full frontal, he has some weird black bikini bottoms on. I relaxed a bit. Then all of a sudden, he's lost the bottoms and its just out there! And he never gets the bottoms back. It's as if the movie producers said, "well now that we've crossed that barrier we don't have to go back." It wouldn't be so bad, except now every time Dr. Manhattan is the shot, I'm staring at it going, why is it being shown here? Does it add something to the scene? Why isn't he circumcised?

Ok so that's the way the character was portrayed in the graphic novel, so I'm willing to let that slide. But there were some amazingly attractive women in this movie and you barely see them naked. There is ONE boobie shot of the new Silk Specter, that's it, just one! Although it was good enough to make up from the scaring produced by CGI wang, the ratio of naked men to women in this movie is whack! Again, this wouldn't be a big deal, but who is the target audience of this comic book film? Girls with a fetish for glowing super human god like men? If Cosmopolitan puts out the article that says women need to hold out for their Dr. Manhattan's, us guys, we're all fucked.

That being said, it was an awesome movie. Most of the characters are bad ass and, although the movie is a bit slow, has a great story for the most part. Purists will complain that the ending is different and they missed some things, check out Wikipedia if you really must know.

By the way, I'm planning on making t-shirts that say "I'm hung like Dr. Manhattan" over the next week. That was really all I wanted to say in this post, but that would have been too short and I might have lost some of you. Now you know...

Step #1: Take Better Pictures!

Its going to be a good week for comedy. I've got a feature set this weekend at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA. If you are around Seattle, you really should come check it out. I'll be debuting my new comedy character. The more "intensely nerdy" Brian Boshes. It sounds better in real life. I'll also be filming on Saturday so new clips will be coming soon. That aside, I have something else to share with you today.

My friend James has fallen into a bit of luck with the ladies. This is said very mildly (which HE never does). Now, I'm a pretty handsome guy. I've got a good job. I own a car. I even tell jokes that some people find funny. What gives?!?! I'm funnier than James at least! Meth turkeys?!? Come on! That's just weird. How could you ever want to make out with a guy who's punch line is "meth turkey" (this arguement ignores the fact that I have a joke that ends with "Ninja Turtle / Care Bear").

I think I've figured it out though. This guy takes a way better picture than me. Evidence #1:

Just look at him. That's a great picture. You wouldn't even think to yourself that this guy wasn't as funny as Brian. It oozes confidence and a "well I don't care if you fuck me" attitude that I with I could capture on film. Case in point, I give you Evidence #2:

Who is that guy!?!? My god. It doesn't help that it's in B&W either, but this picture is giving Ted Bundy a run for his money (as far as pictures go) on the creepiness scale. Probably one of the weirdest smiles I've ever gotten captured on film. Then there's that hand. What was I doing? Saying hello to something, stretching out some unknown muscle in my back that needed attention, or just being weird? I think the latter. Thank god my hair has grown in from this time too, I don't even want to go there...

So there it is, the one singular reason I'm not doing so well with the ladies right now. Now that I've called it out, it shouldn't be an issue anymore. So, now that its been eliminated (as I promise not to take pictures like that anymore) let the deluge of pent up sexual aggression for my hot bod come pouring down on me. I'm ready!

Why Reply All is the Devil

So someone at work today decided to send out an email and it somehow got the entire company (lets just say around 1000 people) receiving the message. It almost took down the mail server today. All of my "real" mail took about 30 minutes to get to me. Not that I'm a whiny techno-bitch that takes the internet for granted, but it did generate some amazing comments as the reply-alls started piling up. Basically what happened here was that people sent their message and then it didn't get posted for 15 mins. In that 15 mins, a bunch of people also replied. Hilarity ensues! Here is a select few of the responses that came through (in rough order of received time, from sane to ridiculous):

• "To Whom it may concern:
  I know that I wasn’t supposed to get this notification. However, I am just concerned that I got it INSTEAD of a required recipient. So this is just a note to let you know that someone might not have gotten the notice."
• "Can we stop with the reply all he sent a cancellation"
• "I should not have received this as well"
• "STOP REPLYING ALL TO THIS MESSAGE. YOU WILL SEVERELY IMPACT THE PERFORMANCE OF OUR EMAIL SERVER." (this was sent reply-all)
• "Unsubscribe" (it starts)
• "Ah, I’m on here too"
• "DO NOT HIT REPLY ALL ANYMORE!"
• "No seriously. Stop “replying all” everyone."
• "While we’re spamming on the topic, I receive a good deal of emails I believe I shouldn’t. Is this a good place to mention it?"
• "Unsubscribe……Please"
• "Unsubscribe does not work. Please just stop replying"
• "Sending 'unsubscribe' to everyone in the company will not actually unsubscribe you from the list"
• "UNSUBSCRIBE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!"
• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_timing
• "Please stop responding to this email. Read all the strings if you don’t understand what is going on"
• "Unsub please." (Does this guy think just changing the wording will help?)
• "Cease and desist replying all immediately please"
• "Subscribe me, please"
• "before everyone leaves the party, check out my band’s music video"
• "Everyone has been officially unsubscribed. Please do not reply to this email for settings to take effect. Thanks"

Who says the workplace isn't fun?

UPDATE: Today someone posted graphs detailing the situation yesterday. Here is one that's probably safe to share:

My friend the VO Artist

If I had to pick my favorite thing about going to college, it would all the amazing people that I met and hopefully, if I have my way, continue to stay friends with. Especially the famous ones. My friend Glenn is working to become a voice over artist. Those are the guys that provide voices for TV, movies, video games, basically anywhere you need a great voice but couldn't care for shit what they look like. Don't get me wrong, Glenn is very attractive (no-homo), that's just who they are though. He sounds freaking amazing though. You're going to hear this guy on the radio real soon and you won't even know it he's that good! Don't believe me, give him a listen...

Oh and a note to all my other friends, get famous already so I can have someone to mooch off of.

The Renaissance Fair hits AZ!

I haven't posted in a while, I'll try to be better. I blame it on the fact that I've been working comedy hard this month and my blog is suffering for the sake of my live show. Comedy is art and art is suffering and something has to suffer! Just like they say in "National Treasure", "someone has to go to jail...". Man that movie sucked!

Anyways, I'm taking some much needed R&R down in Arizona with the parents this weekend. They have a great newspaper down here, the Arizona Republic. Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but it beats the pants off of anything in Seattle. Either this, or deep down inside I'm a republican. I'm hoping the paper is just better? So lately, I've been embracing my inner nerd in my comedy routine with some great results. I have a new joke about the Renaissance Fair which is slowly becoming the cornerstone to (hopefully) many funny jokes really soon. So I open the paper yesterday and what do I find, an add for the Renaissance Fair. Oh goody, they're in town! (along with the Arabian horse show, Fountain Hills art fair, another horse show, why so many horses, who knows...).

Ok, so take a look at the add they took out today. Its about 3"x8" just so you know...

So they're here through March 29th. That's a long time, but you can't beat the weather in Phoenix right now so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Now besides the fact that there is a sweet ass coupon in the lower part of this add, and ignoring that the fair has its own website (which in itself brings up yet another oxymoron), we are obviously drawn to the picture in the center. Who are these people and why the HELL wasn't I told about this event at the fair. I thought it was all turkey legs and mead, but apparently now there are hot chicks at the Renaissance fair!?!? Thankfully my scanner was able to capture this part of the add a little better...


That's right, you read this correctly, "Mediaeval Baebes". Man, spell check did not like that phrase one bit at all. They're in concert! Why? What are they "concerting" about? They are from England though, and those accents could be sexy. But are they modern sexy or just-evaded-the-black-plague sexy. Did anyone look like this back then, really? Classic "Fuck Me" Magazine says they are a "...mediaeval (oh yay, they can't spell either) poetry and early music in upbeat anglo sex-on-legs style. Sex-on-legs style? Music majors, help me out. Ever heard of this? Me neither. Is this part of the old English before-women-had-rights they were just big piles of sex-on-legs? "The allure is undeniable", true, but its also completely unknown. You're right, I cannot deny that I have no idea why I want to go see this show. Other than breasts of course. But I can just go to Fashion Square Mall if I want to see those. Are Bill and Ted running the Renaissance fair now? I really hope not. That was, hands down, the worst part of that movie.

Needless to say, I won't be going to this. I don't have an outfit and if I'm going I'm going to do it right. I'll just have to wait for the fair to hit the Pacific Northwest this summer and hopefully the Baebes come with it. Seeya then Baebes!

Country Music and Learning How to Grind

Ok, so for this not to be too weird, I should let you know that I was born and raised in Arizona. My mom had a love for country western, and if she was driving, that was what we were listening to. That or the Disney medley cassette tape. Not that it was a bad time to be listening to country music, Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, Randy Travis. Men's men, singing about tractors and farming, women and old people, booze and more booze. That being said...

Today on my ride into work I lost my shit in the car. I was listening to the radio and they were playing a new Carrie Underwood song on the country station. Yes, I have a country station programmed on my radio. Please get over yourselves. Anyways, I couldn't quite place the melody until the chorus came on, and I realized it was a remake of Randy Travis's "I told you so". For some reason, it hit me really hard, like every memory of driving around with my Mom, and I got all misty and was like, fuck, this is not how I wanted to start my day. The same thing happened a year ago when I heard "Kiss me baby" by the Beach Boys on Pandora and melted at my desk at work. Anyways, YouTube has a mash up of the two versions, so you can get an idea of what they both sound like, check it out.

So you're thinking, this a comedy blog, that wasn't very uplifting Brian. I understand, and thankfully, the internets provided me with some more awesome as soon as I sat down at my desk (and listened to the above YouTube clip around a half dozen times). On my iGoogle homepage, I have an amazingly crappy widget called "How to of the Day". Its a wiki of "how to do things" and the best part about them is that nine times out of ten they are things you should already know, or are pointless to try and explain. Today's gem of an article is "How to Grind".

If you don't have the 2 minutes it takes to read this, let me pull some of the diamonds in the ruff out for you. If you do, go read it, cause its peppered with images of the guys that probably wrote the article. First the steps:

1. Dance near a person you want to grind with - Seems easy enough. Oh look, the word "dance" is highlighted, meaning there is another very informative wiki page on just dancing. Shit, if you don't even know what dancing is, I don't know if this wiki is going to do anything for you, especially in a day. Lets move on, assuming you've identified a victim and know how to "dance"
2. Dance with your your hips together - Not really true. I mean yes, hips together is important, but really it should say, try and wedge your junk within the small of her back, or have her place her bits on your thigh and rub vigorously. Cause really, isn't this WHY you decided to freak dance her in the first place? There are two helpful bullets in this section, the first instructs guys to grope the ladies, the second point instructs ladies to not get groped. Thumbs up!
3. Join a grinding chain - Yes! Why just freak dance one person when you can have someone freaking you at the same time! How does this happen, well the author simply puts that "Sometimes a two women will 'sandwich' a man, and others will latch on", WTF? I mean it's happened to be before, but I don't know why and you've been no help in explaining. The article should really just be a long article on how to make this "sandwiching" phenomenon happen on command. Wiki how to of the day, this is what I request of you!

The tips section is even better. I will some it up in one word, erections. Apparently it happens when someone is rubbing on your junk but they offer some friendly tips on how not to stab your dance partner. Classic!

Ok, made it through that article, great. One more thing before you leave. Head over to the related article, "How to Grind (for Girls)". You don't have to read the whole thing, in fact, I've just pulled out step 8 cause it's just that good:

"Be ready for the song to end. Usually, the guy will walk away. Sometimes he'll say something and sometimes not. Don't be offended if he just walks away in the middle of the song. Don't let that get to you. Just quickly find that friend you were dancing with before. Make it look like nothing is wrong and you're glad that he's gone. Also if you feel that the guy is starting to slow down and might leave, beat him to the punch. Leave him first!"

As you can plainly see here, the article was written by a lady with very high self esteem. Seriously?!?! Does anyone else feel like this step is strangely sexist? I mean, if I'm grinding with a girl, and she is willingly letting me grind on her, where the hell am I going to go!?!? Who are these people that are freak dancing with beautiful women and half way through think "F-this, I'm out!" If I'm slowing down, its because I'm going "holy shit this is awesome!" and trying to log the memory to hard storage below the 4 Jack and Cokes I had to try and get up the courage to do this and make sure my little friend would stay paralyzed in my jeans for the length of a Kanye West song.

I'll be bringing these to the open mic on Monday I think...

Love you!
B-spot

In Port Orchard, you get a gift basket!

This week capped off my most busy week of comedy to date (which isn't saying that much in relative terms). I did a show Thursday, two on Friday, two on Saturday, one on Sunday, and one on Wednesday. The best part about them though was that I got paid for all of them! I'm like a working comedian and stuff...

The last two gigs deserve highlighting though. The one on Sunday was for a reform Jewish meet-up at a temple in Bellevue. I did 20 minutes in front of a bunch of older Jewish people, and you know what, it went well. Now, I didn't go into my online dating stuff to the full extent, but they got the "mount it over my fireplace line" and were quoting it after the show. I also didn't do any of my drug jokes. Probably a good call. They also fed me some of the best deli I've had up here in Seattle so far.

The gig on Wednesday was in Port Orchard. That's like an 1:10 minute drive with no traffic. I got there way too early so I got to "hang out" in Port Orchard. This was spent watching the recap of the Cardinals-Eagles game where the Cardinals won and sent them to the Superbowl. Side note, I didn't know you could watch an entire football game in 30 minutes and its definitely the way to go if you don't actually care about watching it in real time. All the best plays, and Madden doesn't talk! Especially if there is no sound on! Ok, so the gig went well. It was a little rocky until I pointed out that people from Bremerton were dim witted, whereas then I was informed that the entirety of the audience was from Bremerton (which I expected) and so I got to profess my love for nuclear submarines as well. Everyone wins! I had them after that...

Best part about Port Orchard (or more specifically, the Slip 45 where the gig was at) was at the end they give you a gift basket (in addition to getting paid) as a thank you for coming out. Here is a picture of said gift basket:
Pretty snazy huh!?! Yes, that's right kiddies, that's fudge in my freaking basket! I don't know why I'm using so many exclamation points today? Must be the weather. It's snowing again. I'm kind of done with it being cold here and it's so not over yet.

Anyways, time for me to write something brilliant. Catch you all soon!

This blog posting brought to you by the kick ass gift basket pictured above...