Yes, it is true...

The more you quote me, the more legitimate and exciting your article becomes:

http://jew-ish.com/index.php?/stories/item/2359

Enough said, for now...

Paid Gigs and Battlestar Galatica

First and foremost, Battlestar Galatica is back on TV. My nights aren't so lonely anymore! This is the last season, so its ending in about 12 episodes. Just saw the newest one on Hulu.com. Kind of a downer, but I didn't expect anything different I guess. Lost starts Wednesday, but I have a gig in Port Orchard that night so I'll have to catch it during the weekend I guess. My parents are into House and 24, which also start tonight, so everyone's happy. Yay!

This was a good weekend for comedy. Featured with Tom Rhodes at Laughs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Thursday was a private gig for a tech company here in Seattle. I was bummed though, I thought it was going to be for Wachovia Securities. I thought of all these great jokes for them, and my friend Joe Larson (check him out, hella funny), gave me the line that "since they've merged with Wells Fargo, they are going to have to change their name to Wachovia InSecurities". Ended up being fun none the less. Did about 7 minutes just teasing them about having their Christmas party at a comedy club and the fact that they were a tech company. That stuff was awesome. Then, as soon as I tried to to my "real" act, I got shut down. I guess it doesn't matter how funny it is, when the punch line is about getting high at work, you're not going to belly laugh in front of your boss. Lesson learned.

Friday and Saturday were both great sets of shows. I wish they were all that easy. Gave away some business cards and I hope a get a few new fans out of it. Had some people coming up to me after the show saying that they always enjoy my act, so I guess you could say I'm beginning to generate a following.

Sunday was another private gig. This was definitely my most busy weekend as far as hours on stage. Coupled with Wednesday's gig over in Port Orchard, this will also be the most in a week that I've been paid to do standup. Still far from quiting my day job, but it's exciting none the less.

Nightmare in the Kitchen, Party in my Pants

If you read my recent post about Starship Troopers, then you should be familiar with my TV-less state at the moment. If you haven't, stop reading and read that one, because its fucking brilliant. Next, go to Hulu.com and familiarize yourself with its awesomeness. Now...

I've come to the conclusion that Americans don't know how to cook, and by cook I mean run restaurants. They are two separate things, I understand, cooking and running a restaurant. The first; cooking. I know Americans as a whole don't really know how to cook. This group does not contain the group of Americans who recently emigrated to this country. They undoubtedly still have traditions they brought over from the "old country", where they still know how to make "food" without the help of a little glove or dough boy. Americans are getting a little bit better, thanks to global monstrosities such as Whole Foods and Rachael Ray, but we still have a long way to go. I can't believe its not butter!?!? I can't believe you are eating that crap! Still, other than my own observations, and the fact that I don't use margarine (any more), I have no ultimate proof that Americans can't cook.

The second part of my argument, that Americans can't run restaurants, has been proven unquestionably by being the source material for my favorite television show at the moment, "Kitchen Nightmares" (duh-duh-duuuuuuuuh). Kitchen Nightmares was first an English show. This proves that the British also can't run a restaurant, but this has been documented for hundreds of years I'm pretty sure.

Kitchen Nightmares, like the Office, was adapted to American TV. I don't know how far they had to go to "adapt" it. All they did was take the host, chef Gordon Ramsay, from England to New Jersey and let him continue to yell at people. That's pretty much the entire show, and the only reason to watch it, is in fact, to watch Ramsay go balls-out crazy at the owners of these restaurants for 44 minutes with five, 30 second commercials on Hulu. It's not like they don't deserve it mind you. The basic setup for any restaurant on this show has most, if not all, of the following going on:

• No head chef, absentee head chef, or one who doesn't speak any English.
• Owner is going to loose their house and is at least $200K in debt. Handlebar mustache or emotional tick optional.
  
• Parents/friends/spouses of owner also duped into investing, they are going to loose their houses/children/pets/gun collection if restaurant fails.
• Restaurant interior looks like a Dennys and a Waffle House had a baby restaurant with autism who's favorite activity is to paint on the furniture, and serve drinks.
  
• Butter and oil are the two cooking spices, bought in bulk and of the lowest quality. If that doesn't solve it, cover it with cheese.
• The entire fridge is filled with rotting food, no exceptions! Insects optional but encouraged.
  
• The owner thinks everything is just fine; customers are just dumb and need to like cheese more.

Enter Gordon Ramsay and his team. He has a team yes, someone has to hold the camera while he screams. I really wish Hulu could play the un-censored version of this show. "Fuck" is Gordon's favorite word. He is so enthusiastic about that word, just about as much as he is about fresh food that isn't rotting. Here is a brief breakdown of what happens in each episode, broken down by the "day". Apparently all it takes is one week to fix a broken restaurant if you have Gordon Ramsey at the helm and Fox networks paying people to dine with you.

1. Gordon arrives, dines at restaurant, everything is shit. Gordon yells. Gordon leaves.
2. Gordon comes back. Fox packs place with diners who are getting paid to eat there. Restaurant hasn't had this many people in years. Restaurant fails. Gorden yells, possibly shutting down restaurant in the middle of service. Rotten food is found, all cheese is removed from building.
3. A "special" is added to the menu. Fox packs restaurant again. Restaurant screws up special. Gorden screams. Waitstaff cries. Owner storms out.
4. Gordon does life changing exercise with owner. Shows owner what fresh food looks like. Gordon's team takes autistic child restaurant interior and replaces it with autistic child wearing cool kids cloths interior. Waitstaff crys again.
5. Relaunch night. New menu. Things mostly go wrong. Gordon yells, but not as much as the show needs to end now. Sometimes Gordon hugs people. Waitstaff cries one more time. Gordon leaves and gives Christmas Carol-like warning of restaurant's need to change before "it's too late".
   

So that's what one episode is like. Now, every other episode is EXACTLY the same, so if you've seen one you've seen them all. Seriously, go watch two or three and figure it out for yourself if you don't believe me. The only reason to watch more than one is if you like different kinds of the same shit going wrong and Gordon's ever altering ways to use the word fuck at people. I happen to enjoy this, so I've seen most of seasons 1 and 2.

Actually, one bright spot in the sea of screaming profanities is the first episode of season 2, where we get to revisit all of the restaurants that are still alive after having been revived by Gordon and his team. Don't watch this episode unless you want to see the soft exposed underbelly of the hard-ass that is chef Gordon Ramsay. In this episode, he's the nicest guy ever! This leads me to believe that off camera he is sitting there with the cast going, "Look man, I'm sorry that I called you a fat mother-fucker on national TV, really the burnt cheese is actually MY favorite too."

In conclusion, if you're bored like me, and need to watch someone else take some shit for 40 minutes, "Kitchen Nightmares" is for you buddy!

Change is Here!

Change has come my friends and you (maybe) were a part of it. That's right, yesterday, Brian Boshes was awarded the best comedy host in Seattle by the Seattle Comedy Blog, the CLOG. This was all because of you! All of those people that don't even live in Seattle, and those that have never seen me host, you still voted, and made this dream a reality. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Unfortunately, this long and arduous campaign has drained the coffers of the "Elect Brian Boshes for a Needless Award Fund" and needs to be rebuilt. You called for change, now be part of the solution. Donate as little as $25 to receive your very own business card with a picture of the 2008 Best Comedy Host on the back. Click here to donate today.

Thank you once again. Change is here today, starting Jan 5th!

Your friend and leader,
Brian Boshes
2008 Best Comedy Host in Seattle!

Beaverton, OR: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Stripclubs

I'm back from Beaverton! First away gig outside of Washington(if you ignore my trip to NYC and DC). Ok, first PAID away gig outside of Washington. I got to stay in a real hotel, the Shiloh Inn Beaverton. Excellent place for $68 dollars a night. They've got a sports lounge, cigar bar, continental breakfast (which I never was up early enough to eat), jacuzzi, fitness center. I didn't use ANY of these things while I was there mind you, but they were available. The only downsides was anything white and linen in the room smelled horribly of chlorine bleach, and I could hear if the guy 14 doors down turned on his TV cause the walls were just that good.

The shows themselves where a learning experience to say the least. I learned the following things this weekend:

• Do not tell jokes that are localized to Seattle outside of Seattle. At the very least, try to localize the punchline to where you are or tell a different punch line that doesn't care about road or casino names.
• Never make fun of the local bar where everyone hangs out, even if everyone in there is really disgusting and crazy from your point of view. No one cares about your point of view, unless it's written material.
  
• Even if the punch line isn't remotely racist, people in both Kirkland and now Beaverton are proven not to laugh if the words "black people" come at the end of a joke.
• People in Oregon think strip club jokes are funny.

So more on this last point. I used to hate strip clubs. Emphasis on the used (just in case you couldn't see the bolded part). Really, its true. My first two trips to strip clubs have been terrible and scary. I went with people that had no idea what they were doing to places that catter to people having no clue what they are doing. Two wrongs make a horrifying, potentially scaring situation. Solution, go with people that know what they are doing to places that are awesome. Enter my friend (name suppressed on purpose) and the Dolphin II (a place not a person).

I did not want to go, not one bit. The part of me that has gotten totally fucked over by visits one and two to these kinds of places was screaming, "get the fuck out of the car and walk back to the Shiloh!" My friend turns to me, explains the pros to visiting an establishment such as the Dolphin II. I wasn't going to get hustled. I could pay my cover, get one drink and sit and no one would bother me if that's what I wanted. Sounded like a fair deal. I was calmed a bit. I went in. I got a drink, but was still incredibly nervous. Went to the bathroom. They had a bathroom attendant that looked straight out of "Fantasy Island". Ok this is getting better. Wait a second, the girls here are really attractive, and I get to pick where I sit, and, holy crap, this drink is delicious and was decently priced. Where the fuck am I? Beaverton Oregon mutha fucka!

Once seated, my friend turns to me and says, "Ok, you don't have to use these, but when you are ready, mosey up to the pit (where the ladies were dancing) and place a couple of these on the edge like that guy is doing if you want them to dance near you", and hands me a stack of 10 ones. Needless to say, I went through the stack of 10 ones, and a bunch more ones, and a couple $20s. I bought a lap dance from a lady named "Silk". She rubbed the crap out of my hair and it was awesome. She also said I looked like John Lennon. Ladies, take note. My friends bought me a second dance from a stripper named "Jordan". Jordan complimented me on how good I smelled. In reality she, whether she knew it or not, was actually complimenting Silk on her use of perfume and Juicy Fruit since that is what she was probably smelling on me.

In the end, I ended up checking into my hotel at 3am. Thankfully there was somebody there. THAT would have sucked. He was like, "you with the comedy show?" Heh, how did you know? The rest of the weekend was excellent. Had some great times with all of my Portland area friends, some good breakfast foods, and almost got snowed in for a couple of days. Good thing I have chains for the VW Rabbit. I can't wait to go back and visit Portland, and the ladies at the Dolphin II.

A Sci-Fi classic for the holidays

So I've been sick for the last couple of days, which has left me bed, or should I say, couch-riden throughout the day. I mean I can only work on my model boat for so many hours in a day. Regardless, I have been scouring my favorite online media site, hulu.com, for a movie to watch and I came across something I haven't seen in at least a couple of years, and never in its entirety. What was this movie friends, why, "Starship Troopers"!

First of all, if you have seen the movie, and haven't read the book, read the book. I know people always say that, but it will really give you a greater respect for what a colossal fuck up job someone did converting that book into its feature film debut. So right now, stop reading this blog entry and go order the book (by Robert A. Heinlein) from Amazon.com. Its $8 and well worth it.

So we'll get the "why the book is better than the movie" out of the way first. Diz, who is played by Dina Meyer in the movie, is a guy in the book and dies in the first 5 pages. Not that the redheaded female in the movie isn't amazingly attractive and bad-girl bonable, but its fun to know that the character what basically invented for that very reason, as there is basically nothing that character is based on (more on her later). There is an entire race of people introduced in the book that's not in the movie, which is almost a, "why the movie is better" as their inclusion in the book makes little sense. But seriously, the one thing they lost out on was the armor. My friend and I have had various back and forths on this. In the book the armor makes each mobile infantry solider a walking tank with a jet pack. They can scale buildings and have integrated computer infrastructure. What did the movie get? Nerf toys! They took the helmets from the football game in the first scene and painted them black. No wonder the bugs ripped them to pieces. Oh and does anyone else think that Halo's Master Chief is basically using the same gun from this movie? Side note, the book also has an infantry division, the K-9 division in the book, with TALKING DOGS! Hollywood apparently does not think we are ready for talking dogs (except for Dani DeVito in "Look Who's Talking Now" and about 7 Disney movies). Come-on, we could have handled it, and it would have been great! You and me pup, lets go kick some bug ass...

Ok, deep breath, that's over with. Seriously, read the book, watch the movie again.

The movie is an amazing watch though, especially through the "I know this is going to be crap" glasses. The cast is actually pretty great for this one. Already formentioned, the amazing redhead. Added to that we've got Denise Richard, sneaking this movie in right before everyone's favorite lesbian pool scene "Wild Things". Her and the redhead would have made a better pool scene. There's Doogy Houser (aka NPH), making one of his very rare appearances between childhood doctor and the new sing along blog everyone is freaking out about (including your's truely). Michael Ironside, which he should have just used as his name in the movie, as a robotic armed leader named Rasczak. The star, Casper Van Dean, apparently has done many things since "Starship Troopers" says IMDB, none that I have seen.

As this is already getting to be sort of a long entry I'll dive right into the highlights of this great film. First of all, since its a B sci fi movie, we've got to have some nudity. Its almost as if the director was saying, this is where I would start to lose interest, lets show a tit. That's basically what it comes down to. They could have done a better job spreading it around though, you get all your boobies in one fail swoop in the boot camp shower seen. Don't get me wrong, they were all faboulous sets of boobies (and thanks to Hulu, I could pause for each one), and male tooshies for the ladies (which I also paused for), but there were definitely points where I could have used a nipple later in this film. They almost try for one when there is a tent sex scene, but the directors also realized that this movie had to end in a decent amount of time, so we as the viewer are only left to wonder if Diz is a top or a bottom.

The second amazing thing in this movie, which I missed the first time, is when a flying bug is rectally violating a trooper with its giant pointy member thing. Rasczak picks up a gun, zooms in (where we are offered a better view of the bug-man anal rape scene), and shoots the guy, exclaiming, "And I expect you to do the same to me." Classic! Since this is a B-movie, I'll spoil it and let you know, someone does have to do the same to him, but we don't get to see the violation that he is undergoing at the time (but you know its there).

Number three, Rico, the handsome but dumb star of our saga, is being pined over by two gorgious women throughout this movie. I'm pretty sure he gets to do both of them, although its only alluded to with Denise's character. Conveniently, the night after fucking the crazier of the two (Diz, the redhead), she dies. Remember Diz from the book? He died too, so this is where the book and the movie sync up. Welcome to page 5. Doogy Houser does not get laid in this movie because his character is gay. I'm pretty sure that character was not in the book, I don't know why he is here. Seriously. He is supposed to be the smartest of the bunch, but his dialog is just as bad.

I don't even have time to go into all the awesome one liners that could be generated from viewing this film, so I'll leave that up to you as homework. Although the book numbered only the single iteration, as film viewers we are blessed with Starship Troopers II & III. Amazon tells me that Casper Van Dien, the original Rico, is in the third one, so that seems promising. I always love it when they get the orginal B actors for the B movie sequel. These went straight to video (I hope), but you can buy the entire trilogy in Blue Ray! Oh happy day! If I had a TV, and a blue ray player, this would so be on my Christmas list.

I'm a terrible blogger...

I know, I know. I should be better at this. I just feel so guilty updating this thing at work, and then when I'm home from work, the last thing I want to do is get back on and continue typing away. Regardless, one of my New Year's resolutions is to write more. Blogs, scripts, funny stories. I will take a writing class in the spring.

I've been sick for the past 3 days, which means I've gotten more sleep this weekend then I think I got the whole previous week combined. The previous statement is probably more of a testament to why I got sick in the first place. Still my joke about me being sick looking like I've masturbated in every room of my house is ringing true once again (for proof that this joke exists, watch my clips at brianboshes.com). I'm currently quarentined myself in my 1 bedroom and have so far cooked a nice helping of bread pudding, squash, and continued to work on the model boat that will never be finished.

In the comedy front since I've last posted, things have taken off. I've started featuring, which means that somehow I've collected enough material to do 30 minutes straight. Its a great feeling and I love doing the feature spot, although there will still be a place in my heart for hosting. I have my first away gig next week in Beaverton, Oregon. I'm getting paid and they're putting me up in a hotel and everything. Its like I'm semifamous. I've got a crap-ton of gigs through the holiday season and I've been booked as a feature in Kirkland again for Valnetines day and again in March, so my spring is looking to get full up as well. I hope to visit my friends and the other comedy markers of SF and LA in the early spring. I'm hoping SF in late Feb and LA in late March/early April. I'm looking to get some real gigs down there in addition, so I'll have a "reason" that isn't just hanging out with awesome people who I miss way too much.

Ok, I'll let you know how the Beaverton gig goes soon. Tomorrow night is the Jewish Youth Federation non profit comedy show. Let's see if I can't find my future wife, or at least future make out buddy at the show?