BJ's Comedy Blog

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2011-07-31T16:27:00.000-07:00

Comedy Predictions for 2011

2011-01-04T19:19:00.000-08:00

...also know as, "what I didn't do in 2010 that I will again attempt this year".

Looking back at 2010, I would say it was a good year for me in terms of comedy. But facts are facts! Let's take a look back to this post I wrote around the same time last year and compare notes (these were my comedy resolutions for 2010):

Create two 30 minute sets. - I don't think I got to two 30 minute sets, but I do have one 30 minute set that I like a lot more than last year. I don't think I generated the kind of material to reach this goal, and spent most of the year polishing bits and throwing out large chunks of material as stronger stuff emerged. I recently went back through my old comedy journals and am trying to resurface some old material in a new light. This has been going well, but still probably around 15 minutes shy of two sets.
Update brianboshes.com. - Done, although after I did it that time I never updated it again. :(
Blog more. - FAIL!
Do comedy in LA, NYC, and Phoenix. Get a spot at the Tempe Improv so my family can come see me do comedy in my home town. - I did not get to LA or NYC this year (boo). I blame my "day job" for some, but not all, of this failure. I did go to Costa Rica though but there are no comedy clubs there that would book me. I did comedy in Phoenix and my family did indeed come see me but it was at the Ice House (ice rink bar) in Phoenix and not the Tempe Improv. Oops...
Finish a comedy project that isn't standup. Some kind of sketch or script or something. - I worked on this a lot in September but never got to writing a screenplay. I signed up for a screenwriting class that starts in two weeks though.
Continue writing at least once a week. Preferably more. - For the most part I did keep this up, so yay me here.
Produce a comedy show. - It wasn't the "comedy show" that I was looking for when setting this goal, but I did do a "2010 Year in Review" at Laughs right before the new year where I made some custom content and booked a bunch of the performers, so we'll call this one achieved.
Start up a new writing group which encourages people to be better, preferably better in a way that I like so open mics are more enjoyable for me. - I started writing with a friend, Eric Uthus, on a weekly basis and he is showing marked improvements. Not so much in his jokes, but he is less negative when it comes to how he approaches his topics. Open mics have become even more annoying...
And as always, get funnier. - Debatable...

So ya, ok year. Could have gone better; could have gone a lot worse. I think the major happening of this year was my struggle to define what form my "nerd" humor was going to take. There were many gigs where I thought the cerebral stuff that I found funny was going to make it and other nights where I was like "what the fuck am I talking about, these people must think I'm crazy". Unfortunately the latter happened more than the former. There were those nights though where the audience "got it" that kept the illusion that these jokes were working alive longer than they should have. Most of the time, I would have a set do fine, until I reached the portion of jokes that talked about "Harry Potter" and "Back to the Future" where the energy was sucked out of the crowd. A couple times of this and I then mentally started calling this the weak part of my set and began to expect it. So I started trying to prop up this jokes with stronger "normal" jokes around it. Eventually, around October, I dropped almost all the nerdy stuff from my act and just did my old set circa 2009, with much better results.

I was happy, but I was upset. Why can't I talk about the stuff that I care about, the nerdy stuff, and not have it be so weak? The problem, I found after removing the jokes from my act for a while, was that they were really poorly written jokes. They just weren't that good, and on top of that, wasn't something that resonated with many people. I went back and thought, "what is it about these nerdy topics which everyone can get?" Even if they haven't seen "The Lord of the Rings" is there something about the struggle for building an identity, or at least not getting beat up in high school, that ever person could understand and find funny. If you've seen the movie, even better, I'll throw something special in there just for you.

Since approaching the material this way, I've been able to reintegrate a lot of these topics back into my act without the lull that followed them, and I'm happy about it. It's also caused me to define my voice a heck of a lot more, as my opinions about topics are coming through more clearly with this kind of focus. Another thing about presentation style that I learned this year was that my face and voice are very expressive and engaging when I commit to the material. I found on my sets at the end of this year that I was hamming up jokes that I knew would go well. I was watching videos thinking, "I look like a big muppet", I should do that more often. It was entertaining and people responded to it much more than the same joke earlier in the year. Now I just have to figure out how I can commit myself to my material faster (like at the open mic when I'm first trying it out).

So Brian, I thought this post was supposed to be about 2011. You're right my friend, but you have to know where you've been to know where you're going. And stand-up is all about context.

Ok so here is what I think 2011 will bring for me and my fellow Seattlites as far as comedy is concerned:

I will have two 30 minute sets. More specifically, I will be able to talk on stage for upwards of an hour but I still won't be ready to headline a show. Most of the second 30 will not be my best material, but I could do it in a pinch. (Look, much more reasonable goal than last year).
I will write an amazing and reliable closer. The definition of "amazing" is TBD.
I will complete my alternative comedy project such as a screenplay or series of skits. A series of YouTube video submissions will also qualify as fulfilling this goal.
I will again attempt do comedy in NYC, LA, and Phoenix.
I will create a comedy show "Nerds of Comedy" (working title) that will allow me and my fellow nerd comics in Seattle the ability to talk about stuff in front of an audience that gets it. I will then try to sell this to ComicCon so I can get in for free this year.
I will consolidate this blog and my website under a new WordPress blog (at brianboshes.com) that I update more than once a year.
I will put up another YouTube video for all of my friends that are complaining that I don't have anything on YouTube for them to watch. Alternatively, I will find a way to post videos on my blog that the entire internet doesn't have access to.
I will try to be less snarky at open mics. The definition of "snarky" is TBD.
I will try to commit to the new jokes with the same energy I give to the proven material.
And as always, get funnier.

Ok 2011, let's do this!

Free Wine (for me) Comedy Night

2010-08-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

I was asked to "headline" a winery's corporate dinner this last Sunday. I use the bunny ears here because I only did around 30 minutes. That's not a headlining set. Doesn't really matter; I don't think I'm ready to headline officially, yet. You need more than just 45 minutes (which I think I might have, if I stretch), you really need an act. It needs an opening, middle, and end, just like a good story. I don't think I'm a good story, at least not a full length one. At this point, I think I'm a good short story; a short film you'd like, but aren't sure if it has the staying power to be feature length. I'm not trying to be hard on myself, just realistic. I want to be a strong feature, twice over, before attempting headlining. That is why this year's goal was two 30 minute sets. I don't know where I am with this year's resolution, as I've been busy and lazy and haven't taken the time to actually count up all my "good" jokes. Just writing as much as I can (which isn't much lately since I really like sleeping more these days).

So ya, back to the show. We'll fast forward to my set, but before we go there, I should say that I spent the first hour of the show waiting in the winery showroom. I looked at all the bottles, gifts, food, and behind every door labeled "Wine Club Members Only". This was all part of my master plan which was if my material didn't go well, I could just switch into improving about the winery. You can probably guess what comes up next, my material didn't work. I think the audience was a little fed up with hearing about single comics complaining about being single. So onto the improv.

I've been practicing corporate comedy at these non-profit comedy shows at the Comedy Underground the last couple of weeks. I've pushed myself to do as much material I could about the non-profit. Material that was funny but still in good taste. Exercising this comedy muscle paid off I think. I did about 15 minutes of straight (slightly prewritten) improv with the winery employees. It was great. All of the pent up things I always wanted to say to a winery owner finally had a chance to come out, and they loved it. I especially liked equating their wine club to an adult website. Got the light and thought "oh crap, how am I going to wrap this up?". Ended up doing a small joke from my act and then thanked them before leaving the stage (which was a dance floor set up at ground level).

After the show I drank a couple glasses of cab sav, received a bottle of wine for my trouble (I think I get paid for reals on Thursday), and drove (safely) home. Now if only my written material was that funny. We'll see, I'm going to try one of the "improved" jokes tonight at the open mic. Let's see if we can't add it to one of the 30s.

Open Mics vs. The Confidence Factor

2010-07-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

At the open mic last night, my confidence mid joke fell to an low point. It was a new joke that I wrote in the car on the way down, after having done some good crowdwork at the Non Profit Comedy Night show at the Comedy Underground. I was feeling great about it, all the way up to the point when I had to tell it. It was if my comedy instincts were rejecting it before it even left my mouth. What was so different about being in the car and then on stage. I really shouldn't give a crap about what the open mic audience thinks. I'm there to work, I have things to say, fuck'em, right? I don't know. Regardless, the joke fell flat, I saved the set by simply explaining to the audience that this just wasn't a good night for me, but that's what they get for a free show. My material may have sucked but my crowdwork was on last night.

Coming off of that set though I was able to take some good notes and I'm looking forward to tell the joke again. I basically re-wrote it from the ground up, coming off the one good part that explains how "I'm sexier than Jesus". Sometimes the joke has to come out of my mouth and bomb the first time, and if I'm lucky, there will be that glimmer of hope, which is what happened last night.

Also, I think it might be time to re-write my JDate joke that was the opener from this one. It felt really stale and hacky, especially compared with the more conversational delivery style I've been using over the last couple of months. Now this thing sticks out like an 80's airplane bit. Took down some notes on that as well, so we'll see how that morphs itself.

All in all, both good things. A comedic phoenix arising from the ashes of other comedians smoking outside the club.

Norther Lights Theater Pub - Salem, Oregon

2010-07-13T23:27:00.000-07:00

That is where I performed last weekend. Did a one nighter filling in for a comic friend of mine who had to go out of town. Got the call two weeks ago, so it wasn't super last notice. Gig paid well and included a hotel room, and I haven't been on a road gig for a while (last one was Longview with Duane), so I was looking forward to it.

The gig location, the Northern Lights Theater Pub was an interesting place. I had never heard of this place before and didn't, for some reason, Google the place, so I had no idea what it was before I drove up. It is sort of what the name implies. There is a theater there, but like movie theater not drama. Four screens I think. The comedy was in theater 1. The "pub" part comes from the fact that you can eat and drink in your seats while watching said entertainment. They have a beer/wine bar and waitresses that will come to your table to deliver your food.

I performed with a comic that goes by the name Kermit Apio. That is his real name, and yes he has a joke about it. Regardless, very funny and all around great guy to hang out with. After the show we walked across the parking lot and had Mexican food together and he told stories about what it was like to work with some of the headliners he's had the pleasure to work with recently (Brian Regan). I had nothing nearly that epic to share.

The two gigs went ok. Here is my takeaway from the evening. I think I'm at my best when my act sounds like a story or a conversation with the audience. What this means is I really can't just put up funny observations or impressive thinking that I think, given the right mindset, could be interpreted as funny. My most solid jokes have a story behind them, with some victim (mostly me), and I deliver it in a more conversational style. Tonight at the open mic I tested this theory, and I liked the results. My joke about mating with a tall hot blond woman isn't an observation, it's a fantasy story that gets more and more fantastical each time I tell it.

I also haven't done a breakfast post in a while, so here is a picture of the epic french toast I had the morning after the gig at a place called the "Saucy Onion" in Salem. Apparently this stuff is world famous, and I got the blintz version with marscapone cheese and marionberries. This was in a box with little onion cartoons next to it, so it must have been the extra world famous version. They went light on the cheese, which in the end was a good thing. The round bread is a mystery to me. Overall, solid french toast though. After slathering some syrup on this thing and two and a half cups of coffee, I was good to drive back to Seattle. Next time, I'm either going to get the prosciutto and eggs or just half a french toast with eggs and bacon. This was a little too much bread for me in one sitting, but I'm not really complaining at all.

While I've been away

2010-06-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

Ok ya, I know. I haven't posted in forever. I did exactly what I didn't want, let this blog become stale. I've let you down. There is no trust in this relationship anymore. How can I win you back? Blog more? Really? I assume at this point I'm just shouting out into a void and making myself look good for bookers. (PS. if you're a booker, I hope this looks good).

So what have I been doing all this time, not blogging? Well if you're a fan of me on Facebook you probably already know and this blog has become too slow for you to receive updates about my life. You're in the Twittbook TxtMsg speed of life man, and I understand. But for those not in the know, here is an update:

- Went to the Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland Oregon. There was supposed to be a whole blog about this, but then a comic asked me for a ride back to Seattle at 7am the morning after the closing gala and I just didn't have the energy. That, and every other comic there was blogging or podcasting or flikering about it so just Google search from Bridgetown Comedy Festival and you should get the gist. In summary though, I never felt more like a suburban comic, learned alot about what I want to be able to do on stage, and enjoyed the hell out of what I'm calling "Hipster Comic Summer Camp".

- Featured for Greg Hahn and opened for Jaime Kennedy at Laughs. Good stage time at both. Jaime sadly had just broken up with JLH and so she did not accompany him to the gig, which was my original motivation for taking the hosting gig.

- Got invited to audition for the Vancouver comedy festival in August. I got really close to getting in a couple years ago so I'm hoping this is the year I get extended an official invite. That would be some amazing to head up there this fall and would give me a new goal to shoot for in my comedy career. Fingers crossed and punch lines sharpened for that audition.

- Wrote some new nerdy jokes. Have yet to do my mid year joke inventory at the end of the month to see how much I need to work to get to my two 30-min set goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year.

- Was featured in a photo art project for my friend Michelle that she did on open mic comics. It ran in Seattle for a month. The pictures from the photo shoot now adorn the newly redesigned brianboshes.com. This blog is now properly embedded in that site now as well, so now more jumping between the two. My nerd powers shined brightly there.

Well those are the big ones. Peppered in there are too many interesting and fun open mics, one nighters, and general WTF moments that make comedy in Seattle very weird and exciting and something that, no matter how much I want the time back, I don't see myself dropping any time in the near future.

March Madness 8 - Giggles Laugh Off Week 4, Night 1

2010-03-27T13:55:00.000-07:00

First I'd like to welcome a new blog reader, Terry Taylor, to the audience. Welcome.

On to the show...

I haven't been doing that much comedy lately, relatively speaking. Did get up once at the Laughs open mic this week. Yes, I know, I missed a blog post about it. It wasn't worth it. The set had one joke and the rest of it is what I would have picked on people for from the back of the room for doing.

But, last night was the first night in my competition week in the 2010 Giggles Laugh Off. This is week four of the competition, which means that three other comedians have already moved on to the finals. I've got four shows this weekend, two last night and two tonight. Audience members vote on their top three favorite comedians, and the scores are totaled across all of the shows. The top comedian moves onto the finals in April. So far I'm in a very close second to comedian Scott Black. Friday's shows were fairly lightly attended though, so tonight's first show will probably be the pivotal moment in this week's competition. Here's the what happened last night...

One of the Giggle's regular hosts, Eric, hosted the first show. Scott Black went first. He has apparently won the competition once before I think a decade ago. He has a high energy set and props to him for giving it 100% for the 20 people in the audience that first show. I went up fourth. I'll tell you this. These sets were way better than my performance in the Seattle Comedy Competition just a couple months ago. Not that I didn't give it my all there, but I'm happy to see how much I've positively developed since that time. I decided to go with my exclusively "nerdy" set. I wanted something that would separate me from the rest of the comics. The first set went ok. Not amazing, not terrible, but pretty good for not being able to practice it as much as my Seattle set. Got good solid laughs through the first half, but kind of petered out at the end and my closer wasn't as strong as I would have liked. It gave me a tied for third place finish with Sean McCarthy coming out of the first show.

The second show I went fifth of seven. This time I went right after Sean. He had a solid set and I really love his closer about low paid cashiers "drinking all the Robotusen in the store." I went up there and laid down my first joke. Solid. Second joke. Pretty good. By the third joke I had them in a rhythm that I don't get on every show and always love the feeling when I do. Had a group of three girls almost in tears when I started talking about Twilight and Harry Potter tricking girls into thinking that wizards and vampires were sexy. Obviously I was hitting their demographic or something. I judge the 10 minute set a bit better this time and was able to close up more professional. Again, almost all the set was "nerdy" stuff. One thing I was a bit critical of was that I fumbled a lot of words, way more than I usually do in a set. Internally, I definitely felt a little "off", even though it was going really well. Almost flubbed a couple punch lines and stepped on a couple of laughs. Overall, nothing that hurt anything, just pointing it out. That set was enough to pull out the first place finish in the second set of shows and cumulatively puts me four points behind Scott Black going into tonight.

Hoping that tonight's early show does me well, as that is probably going to be the deciding show of the competition based on the size of the crowd. I'll let you know how it goes. For now, back to watching "Blade Runner".

March Madness 7 - Laughs Open Mic

2010-03-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot to put up a post about this one. My bad. Actually it's my work's bad, I've been pulling 10 - 11 hour days at the "real" job, and it hasn't been pleasant. That has spilled over into comedy this week for sure, as Tuesday is probably the one and only time I'll get up on stage. Anyways, forget it, just pretend that I'm writing this Tuesday night. TIME WARP!

I need to stop going out when I'm so tired, I don't get anything really good accomplished and it's not like I'm catching up on any sleep when I do that either. It's hard to resist the pull of the open mic though, especially at Laughs, since I know so many people there and I enjoy shooting the shit and talking shop the whole night. I like helping people with jokes and talking about gigs and stuff. There is also enough (non comic) audience to get a decent reaction out of new material too. I tried a new tag to an old joke, which I think went well and I'll try it a couple times as I wrote it. My closer was pretty weak though, but it was new and I worked on it right up until the point I got on stage. That being said, I should have probably done some more writing than I did last weekend. Also another point to (not) going.

I'll say this though, I really like where my stage presence is going. Even without any jokes I felt very comfortable on stage and talking to the audience. I felt that even though I wasn't delivering punch lines people were still enjoying themselves. The problem was, without strong, relateable material, enjoyment never really translated into laughter.

One thing that was kinda sad was I wrote this joke about how I'm a "Magic the Gathering" ex-addict that I was really excited but I knew had slim chances for success. Most people don't know that Magic the Gathering is a strategy collectible card game. So not only do you need to know how to play, but you also have to buy all these packs of cards hoping to get the ones you want in order to beat your friends. The genius is, if you haven't found the card you're looking for, you have to, you guessed it, buy more cards. I was into it for about 2 years in various shapes and forms and probably spent a couple hundred dollars on cards. So for the joke, I wrote a tag (relating to the fact that it's like a drug), which was that "in 6th grade I had to stop because I was up to a five 'booster' pack a week habit." Pack, like cigarettes, but not, cause their cards. I think its freaking brilliant, but I think there are only a few handful of people on the planet that understand what a "booster pack" is. This little gem will possibly never see the light of day again (for a while). That being said, if I ever do a MTG conference, I'm going to blow the roof off that place, and then tap two green mana to bring it back into play. Ya, that just happened!

Emerald City Comic Con

2010-03-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

Nerd overload my friends. Actually, for all my nerdiness that I tout on stage, I've never been to a "Con", short for "convention" for those whole-word inclined. My mom likened it to an exhibition. I told her never to use the word "exhibition" and "comic" together ever again.This being my first Con, I looked to my friend Tonya's blog post on getting ready. She's been to quite a few and prepares for them better than most do for a job interview.

I decided that I would wear my Star Wars jacket, since there are very few public places I get to wear it without someone staring at it. It went over well at the event. The ticket taker had apparently seen my act before, confidently stating "comedian!" as I approached her to buy a ticket. I confirmed that I was indeed "comedian" and I was wearing "the jacket" from my joke. She was happy to see that it did exist. Of course it existed! (Side note, I saw a guy in the Boba Fett version of my sweater there as well.) The guys who make "Red vs. Blue" liked it very much, and were even more surprised when I told them I got it at Macys. Various people bumped into me and said "nice jacket", but that was the extent to which that story played out.

Now I'm not that big of a comic book nerd. I actually have no idea what to do at most of the booths. I just stood around and looked at the art. Oooh pretty. I did try and find some Hellboy comics to add to my small collection, and did buy a Wolverine comic out of one of the many $1 bins, just for nostalgia's sake. Most of my interactions with comic book artists went like this though:

Me: Hi
Them: So are you interested in my comics, I have a new graphic novel that I just published?
Me: I've never heard of your comic before, but I think it's pretty cool, can I buy a book?
Them: Uh, sure. Do you want me to sketch something in it? What is your favorite comic character from
Me: Well yes, but I have no idea who the characters are in so just draw something about Star Wars.

One such interaction left me with a picture drawn in one of my book's that looked strangely like my friend James. Actually in all seriousness (if that is even possible when talking about this subject), I did learn a lot about what is going on in the industry, and the amazing talent it takes to be a professional comic book writer/illustrator. It was really inspiring and makes me want to take up sketching again. Also, the electronic writing pads were freaking sweet. I ended up getting a couple graphic novels (which I prefer over single comics) and some other nerdy odds and ends. I'm not really into the superhero stuff that dominates most of the booths, more of a "Blade Runner" type of guy. Hellboy is the one exception. He's a badass. Missed picking up a sticker with the statement "Real Vampires don't freakin' sparkle" on it, but that was my only misgiving from attending this year.

One thing that did surprise me. After only a couple hours at the event, my feet freaking hurt. I wore good shoes and socks like Tonya had suggested, but man. I've been to Disneyland and stood in lines for way longer than I did yesterday. Something about ComicCon just sucks the energy out of people I guess. Evil masterminds with energy sucking death rays maybe?

My experience was overall positive except for not getting the sticker and this; Fuck You ECCC for putting a pack of Magic the Gathering cards in my gift bag. I do everything I can to stay away from that game and its incredible lure on my imagination and bank account. It's like nerd crack cocaine, and I've been in recovery since 6th grade. It's as if ECCC is like, "hey Brian, here's a free hit, on us". Its a good thing its only 10 cards and not enough to do anything with, but wow, dangerous dude. I'm going to go call my sponsor...

Next time, I'll hopefully attend some of the panels they offered. This first time, it was enough just to walk the floor, see some cool stuff, and get out before I fell too deeply down the nerd rabbit hole. Expect a new five minutes about this in my act soon. :-)

March Madness 6 - Owl & Thistle

2010-03-13T19:01:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a short one, and late, I'm sorry the week just kind of ended this way. Thursday night I performed at the Owl & Thistle's comedy night. This room has been running for over a year. It's a nice road room in the heart of downtown Seattle, and it pays its host, feature, and headliner a little. Not much, but better than free. It was originally started by Nick McCord, and then given over to my friend Brett Hamil, who's been running it ever since. It used to be packaged with a free open mic on Monday's that for a time, I was in charge of. "In charge of" meant that I was the only one that cared to make a list and tell people when it was time to get off stage.

This is one of those rooms that for the first 30 minutes you have to bludgeon the audience into accepting the fact that there is going to be comedy for the next two hours and no, we're not going to turn the UW game back on. Always a great start to a show. It's usually a great place to take people if their being cocky about their act, as this place, along with Pegasus Pizza in Kirkland, tends to eat those people alive. Oh, and if you think you're ready to feature, try Tulalip Casino in Marysville (another story for another time).

I did my 20 minutes after watching the first couple comedians get sucked into the black hole that was the table of drunk soccer fans. I was concerned, but not overly concerned, that they were going to destroy my set. I did something I don't usually do, which is yell at the audience (read: that table) to shut up and listen or kindly move themselves to the other room. At that point, they stopped laughing at any of my jokes, but they were quit. Did my set of nerd jokes again, which is getting crisper each time I tell them, and generally had an ok time.

I get a break from comedy for a couple of nights, which I really need. My next appearance will be the open mic at Laughs this week. I hope to have some new stuff prepared for that as apposed to working on stuff I've already written. We'll see how Sunday and Monday treat me in that regard.

March Madness 5 - Gerry Andals Bar & Grill

2010-03-10T22:48:00.001-08:00

Tonight I don't want to blog, not because the show was bad, but because I'm tired. And I had three cokes at the gig and my stomach is upset. This is why I don't drink soda often from a glass, or at least one that is refillable. Probably had more soda than I do in a week at one gig cause it kept getting refilled and I just don't log those events until its too late.

The gig tonight was in Stanwood, WA. Stanwood, the gateway to Camino Island, is located between the cities of Marysville and Mt. Vernon. Don't know where they are either? Well Google Maps has nice satellite pictures of all of them; check it out. Stanwood has three major intersections before you drive through the whole town. The gig is at intersection #3, so almost on the outskirts. :)

We had a host, one Mr. Anthony Calderon, who's an up-and-comer who has been doing this for about a year and looks like he's 16, even though he's 23. The crowd didn't really get him too much, but he stuck with it, and did his time. Good job. Brought me up, I did my full 30. I let the crowd talk way more than I usually do because I just wanted something new to do besides my act. I knew my "nerdy" stuff wasn't going to galvanize them in any way, so I just wanted them, and me, to have a good time. Actually kind of surprised to see the old guys in cowboy hats laugh at my Back to the Future references. Lesson of the night, I can do my act anywhere if I pitch it to them right. I'm glad I did my nerdy set, as it's what I wanted to do, and I sold it to them. Sure they probably liked the headliner better, but I didn't compromise.

The headline, Brad Upton, funny as always. He added a couple of tags off book, which for me, since I've seen his act a bunch, is always a treat. We caught up on the gigs we've both had over the last couple of months and before you know it, it was time to head back to Seattle.

Another paid gig on the books for this month, which makes March a pretty good month so far. Tomorrow night I'm back in Seattle for a gig at the Owl and Thistle, the best little Irish bar in the state.

Oh, and my potential gig with Q13 Fox covering the Emerald City ComicCon this weekend fell through. I may or may not have said anything about it already, mostly because I expected it to be a long-shot. Still really nice that the guys that I met last Saturday went to bat for me; biggest compliment I've gotten on the new act since I started telling it. Maybe something in the cards for the future, who knows. Because of this, I'll be attending the ComicCon as a regular participant, but I'm still excited for Saturday. I'm going to wear my Star Wars sweater I think.

March Madness 4 - Comedy Underground Open Mic

2010-03-09T22:31:00.000-08:00

I know I'm a day late with this one, but I'm going to blame all the free booze that I got at my own private after party (more on that in a second).

Last night was Monday night, and you know what that means, the world famous Comedy Underground's open mic madness. Over 30 comics in just under two hours, which translates into about 2-3 minutes of stage time. But this is the place I came to start my comedy career almost five years prior, back in the summer of 2005. (If you ask me how long I've been doing it I'll say just over four years though, cause I took a big break after three months in.) I did my three minutes (back then we got the full three), told some jokes, and then drank a lot of beer. Didn't get that drunk that night, as I had to go back to my internship in the morning, buy ya. Oh, I'm reminiscing too much, this is supposed to be about what I did LAST night.

I hadn't prepared anything for last night except one new tag, which I didn't even end up doing right when I hit the stage. So much for being on the ball. I had a mean streak in me too. I don't know why. I sort of feel like there is no humility in the craft right now, a sense of entitlement in all the open micers. I don't get too preachy about it because I used to be / am one of them, and I know that sometimes we act up, but there aren't any old timers coming down to the clubs anymore to put them/us into place. So last night I hit the stage and my first like was, "For all those open micers that think they have fans that come to see them at the open mic, you're full of shit." That is how you warm up the room, am I right? Nothing, not a laugh, not a boo, just 50 people staring at me. Fun.

Now comes the good part. As much as they probably didn't want to laugh at my next joke, they're sitting there going "who is this asshole", after my first joke, bam, laughing. By the time I told the second joke, I had them all back. It felt really great. Not because I shit on anybody, but I was able to win the audience back after saying some really caustic stuff. Those two jokes were enough to prove that I could do that, at least this once. And then I left, way before the light, just to keep the MC on her toes.

I know, I sound sound/feel like a douche writing this. That, and I've used the slash thing three times, and it's the trademark of a crappy writer that can't figure out what he wants his character to do/say. I'm not trying to be mean, honestly I was still just telling jokes and if people are going to get offended by me, they really need to get out now. I'm one of the tame ones. Besides, if any one of them came up to me and sincerely wanted honest feedback (and I think they could handle it), then they've got it. I don't care if you take all my gigs in the process, if you're better than me then it's time to write some better jokes and get funnier myself.

I love the open mic scene in Seattle and I think that everyone should continue to go to them. Respect the process, respect your self, but ya, you don't have fans at an open mic. Besides, real fans come to see you when you're featuring/headlining anyways...

March Madness 3 - Comedy Underground

2010-03-07T23:27:00.000-08:00

Tonight I performed in the "Best of Seattle Sunday Showcase" at the Comedy Underground in downtown Seattle. It's a weekly show put on every Sunday. Pretty good crowd considering our competition was the Oscars. I don't know who won anything yet since I didn't watch them and I haven't looked at twitter in something like two months.

I worked on my "drugs" section of my act that I didn't get to do over the weekend. It is currently composed of a couple different bits loosely tied together. I think I have about 8 or 9 when you count them all up, but I usually only through 4 or 5 into rotation at any one given time. Tonight's picks where "legalized pot commercials", "the effectiveness of DARE", and my new one "Drugs at NASA". The first two I've been telling for a couple months now and they are fairly solid. I mainly wanted to work on the third joke, so these were just filler to set up and get some good laughs on the subject. The joke, for the most part, bombed, but I succeeded in staying in a vary weird character for longer than I usually do. This was my main goal tonight, and I actually did a callback which worked better than I thought it would. I would say my commitment level to the character was only about a 60%, and some of that was due to playing with the setup WAY too much before getting into it. In the end, I may choose to take it a different way. Also, I don't think I should assume everyone knows what the lunar lander looks like...

Shows like tonight are weird because I'm basically going up there with an experiment. I've got something very new and there are so many questions to ask about it. How is it going to sound coming out of my mouth? How is the audience going to react? Do I reveal too much in the setup only to let people down in the punchline? Is this new weird character believable, hacky, appropriate? This, to varying degrees, I have to do with all new jokes. After I've figured them out though, sometimes I put a joke away too early.

One thing that I've started doing more over the last couple of weeks is to take my favorite jokes and really dive into them. Even today while doing some writing, I uncovered a new tag that really effectively drills into the point I was trying to make in a much more generic way. I looked at it after I had thought/wrote it, and I thought "there it is, and I need 100 more just like that". What this means from a performance viewpoint is that I'm doing the same 20 minutes over and over again but each time I tell it, its getting stronger.

I'm trying to compress a new video for YouTube tonight, but iMovie is so freaking slow right now. I think its because I have about 50 gigs of comedy videos that need to be moved off my laptop, but alas, I can't find the power cable to my external hard drive. What is a nerd to do? Tomorrow night I'm back at the Underground for their open mic and helping a local photographer pick out open micers for an upcoming piece she's shooting on comedians. Cool stuff.

March Madness 2 - Laughs Comedy Spot

2010-03-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

Almost forgot to write this as my stupid pager for work went off on the way home from the club. Ya, I have to carry a pager for my on-call rotation at work (the job that pays me more than comedy, for now), I don't want to talk about it...

Tonight I featured for Whitney Cummings. She's a hot commodity right now. She's a regular roaster and a guest on "Chelsea Lately", a show my parent's seem to like but I haven't gotten into. Besides all of this, she's a pretty funny gal. I think I may have fallen outside of her target audience, as I have a penis, but her comedy was definitely enjoyed by all. The first show was a packed house and the audience was ready for a comedy show.

I knew I was going to have a great set tonight as my energy level was higher that it usually was before hitting the stage. I think it's because I got to have a nap today and actually slept last night. I've done a lot of gigs recently where I'm just dog tired and there is a marketed difference in my performance. It was nice as I drove to Laughs tonight to have some energy flowing through me and I was really getting excited for the show.

The opener brought me up and I hit the ground running with my "Avitar" opener. I think it only has a couple more weeks to live, especially after we consider how it does in the Oscars tomorrow.
I'm not too upset as its basically only a one-liner punchline with no tags, but I'll still miss it. From then on it was straight laughs for 20 mins. There were too points that fell a little flat. One was my inclusion of a new bit about "nerdy people" that I had decided to slip into the set tonight, but hadn't done on stage before. The second was an old tag for my "Star Wars jacket" joke that really has never worked. I'm going to drop the whole section and try to rewrite it / leave it out forever as it has just never performed well and/or is just way to predictable of a punchline. Other than that though, the audience came with me and we had a good time. No crazy huge laughter or applause breaks in this first show, but the laughs that I did get came at a good steady rhythm which was really good. At the end of the show I met some guys from a local news station, so I might have some exciting news there soon.

The second show, wow, they did not want to laugh for such a long time! I was up there a good 15 mins before the entire audience was on my side and enjoying the show. Looking into some of the faces in the audience, it was clear they just weren't getting it or enjoying themselves. How awesome it was though to look back on those same faces near the end of the set and see them starting to open up and laugh. I mean, you guys are paying for the show, its to your benefit to enjoy yourselves. Sometimes you have to tell the audience that...

This is going to be some week for comedy. Tomorrow I've got the Comedy Undergrounds "Best of Seattle" comedy showcase. It's on during the Oscars; hopefully we still have an audience. Monday and Tuesday are open mics, Wednesday I have a gig in Stanwood, WA, and Thursday I'm back in downtown Seattle. Lots of comedy, lots of blog entries.

Still monitoring the issue at work, have to get back to that...

March Madness 1 - Laughs Open Mic

2010-03-02T22:40:00.000-08:00

So I'm going to be doing something new for my blog this month. I'm going to blog after each one of my performances this month. EVERY one, no matter how tired or cranky or amazing I feel, I will put some words down here. I know there are some people that actually read this and will be fun to let you know what I'm working on, especially those that don't live in Seattle. Part of this is also just an attempt to get me to write here more. If anything it will be a nice, month-in-the-life snapshot of my comedy experiences that I can look back on and say, "hey, remember when I was doing all that?"

So for tonight, to start off the month, I hit up the open mic at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland. This is definitely what most people would consider my "home club." I work the weekends there pretty regularly, as a host and feature, and am at their open mic basically every week. Their open mic has been drawing around 40-50 audience members (non comics) a week, which is awesome. Sometimes you get people at the shows that have seen me a couple times and are able to offer some good feedback on the new jokes they liked, which can be fun depending on how they offer it up to you.

I didn't know what I was going to go do on stage tonight. I'm tired after being awake 18 hours yesterday and a full day's worth of work today. I would say my energy was about 50% going into this performance. Good combo, tired and unprepared. I took a look at my little black notebook and there were some notes in there about some improvements to a joke that I've already told a dozen times, about how I bought myself a Star Wars jacket for myself for Christmas. The new tags were drummed up the week before at the Columbia Winery over in Woodinville, where I did a gig with a great local comedian, Drew Barth. The note said 3 different ideas one of which was "one jacket was a Boba Fett costume with a zip up hood that covered your entire face with a Boba Fett mask, but you have to draw the line somewhere." So this is where I tried to take the joke. More storyish and more about the honest reactions I was having while buying this jacket.

I didn't like the results too much, although I haven't watched the tape yet so it could have been better than it felt. I just felt like I was taking a perfectly good joke with good punches and muddying it up a bit. But it's the direction that I want explore more (honest stories), as I feel it lets the character that I'm cultivating on stage to come out. It also sounds way more conversational/performing then straight "setup-punch" style comedy, which I also like. I think it's definitely something I want to try a lot more, each time trying to tease out more story. I just need to make sure that there are still jokes in there and the big punches still hit just as hard.

Before leaving the club, I got a letter of recommendation from the owner, Dave, to try and get my foot in the door of some clubs in Arizona before this year is over. I'll be making some copies and drafting some letters to send out over the next few weeks to try and set something up in Scottsdale or Tucson, both places where I have free lodgings :). It also looks like I'll be featuring on Saturday at Laughs too, filling in for a comic. So that is some paid weekend work and I get to work with Whitney Cummings for the night.

Now I'll try to catch up on some sleep and debate whether I'll hit up the open mic at Giggles on Thursday or just go eat Puerto Rican food. And no, I can't do both...

When is it appropriate?

2010-01-18T20:54:00.000-08:00

I don't really know when it's appropriate for guys to be talking in the bathroom. I'm going to go with never. There really isn't anything private enough that we really need a bathroom to do it in, and if it isn't private, let's talk about it outside. The bathroom isn't an escape for guys. Maybe it's because there aren't couches in our bathroom. When I was growing up, I remember seeing in the department store bathroom, for a brief second before the door shut, a couch. A freaking couch! In the bathroom!?!? This is not where I would expect couches to be. Ask any girl though, and at some point she's probably been in a bathroom that was set up encouraging ladies to stay and chat.

Like I said, guys don't go in there to talk. Really there isn't anything that we could say in the confines of that oddly sterile yet usually disgusting place that needs to be discussed RIGHT THERE. It's never a discussion. Usually, if guys are talking in a bathroom it's statements of fact; factorum non debatum. Acceptable bathroom lines of discussion (note all should be answered in the affirmative):

This band/party/happy hour/strip club is amazing.
I'm really drunk/high/wasted right now.
That chick was super hot/slutty/fat/cougerish.
Avitar was freakin amazing/sweet/seizure enducing.
I believe the original Back to the Future was superior to the other two.

These rules are put to the test in the workplace. You spend your whole day in a cubicle staring at a computer screen and suddenly, you're in the bathroom, standing next to someone you want to talk to. Given your limited social time in the workplace and the pressing issues delegated to you that day, you might actually have something IMPORTANT to say to him. Now what? This could be the only chance to get your question in. And he's peeing; where is he going to go? This is your chance, right? Granted he could whip around mid-stream and start yelling to you about bathroom behavior, but then he'd be peeing on the floor and who wouldn't hold that over their coworker.

Worse than that, is when a superior at work wants to talk to YOU in the bathroom. You have to talk back, you can't ignore your boss. Don't worry, it will usually just be a question or two (he's still a guy and is going to the bathroom). Remember, the affirmative rule from above. You just grip on what God endowed you with and answer back with confidence. How was your weekend? Fucking awesome, and you're done. Remember, it will probably only be a question or two. Plan for this. Remember, you're never required to ask a followup question. This will put him on the defensive and that isn't what you want to do. He who controls the salary gets to ask the questions while he pees. Old bathroom proverb. Written right next to "Brett is gay".

If you have to ask questions, do it at the sink. The sink is where all the talking should be happening anyways. I mean, first of all, you're only there cause someone else is in the bathroom in the first place, so it's not like you're really using it. Second of all, there is usually a mirror, so both parties can look at how much better looking they are than the other guy instead of actually listening to what he is saying.

This blog post was inspired by me breaking every one of these rules in from of the VP in my department yesterday. The things I do for you people...

Comedy New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

I'm not too keen on the term "New Year's Resolutions". It's too much pressure. Who's knows what my life will be like by the end of 2010. I could resolve to work out and be more healthy in my eating, but perhaps I discover I have a penchant for making cheesecakes in a reclining position. Maybe I resolve to use words like "penchant" more often, but then I loose all my friends because they no longer understand me or think I've gone all hipster on them.

I think there is some honest truth behind NYRs. It's a time to set goals for the coming year. To take stock in your life and figure out what you want. People like asking what your NYR is this year because people are nosy, and want to size up their goals against yours. Too ambitious, people won't care and/or hope for your failure so their more attainable goal seems less diminished. Too easy and those that ask will feel empowered since they have obviously taken on more of a challenge than you. And then there are the mighty few who say, "I don't have a NYR" or the ever popular, "My NYR was not to make a NYR". First of all, the latter is a contradiction, since you in theory have just made one and have achieved it, therefore, you're a douchebag. QED.

Come on people, you're cognitive human beings who are a part of this great declining civilization called America. You can't think of a goal? Just one goal!?! No wonder this country is sort of screwed right now. Hey you, average American, what do you want to do this year? Oh me, I don't like thinking about what I want to do with myself. I'd rather find new and interesting way to get diabetes. Welcome to the future my friends...

Ok, so in the spirit of making goals. Here are some of my comedy based goals for the upcoming year:

Create two 30 minute sets. I don't think I'm ready to headline by any means, since that requires a lot of pacing, but, by the end of this year, I would like to have enough good material to do two distinct 30 minute sets. I'll be starting at the halfway point, with what I'll assume is one 30 minute set. This assumption is debatable, but I won't do it with you.
Update brianboshes.com. It still says, will be featuring all over the Pacific Northwest in the spring, which, I guess its true, but that was written almost a year ago. I also don't have that beard anymore.
Blog more.
Do comedy in LA, NYC, and Phoenix. Get a spot at the Tempe Improv so my family can come see me do comedy in my home town.
Finish a comedy project that isn't standup. Some kind of sketch or script or something. Haven't figured out what I want to do yet, but the goal is there.
Continue writing at least once a week. Preferably more.
Produce a comedy show.
Start up a new writing group which encourages people to be better, preferably better in a way that I like so open mics are more enjoyable for me.
And as always, get funnier.

Ok, there they are. Let's see how I do, shall we? Welcome to 2010!

Meeting "famous" people

2009-12-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

Meeting characters from your childhood (or in my case older-hood), no matter how obscure, is always a thrill, at least for me. It's one of the major perks of being a standup comedian. This year I've been fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time to catch a couple of them as they were passing through Seattle.

One of them I actually had the pleasure of opening for. His name is Ben Bailey. Most would know him as the host of television's Cash Cab. I have seen him on that show of course, but my personal connection to him is that he was one of the first live standup comedians I saw at a comedy club. I caught him with a couple of my friends at a showcase at The Comedy Cellar in New York City. I remember a couple of his jokes, the most vivid was a joke about how he wasn't going to do his "jump-roping joke" at this club (as he's over 6 feet tall and the celling is about 7 feet at this particular club). I just remember that killing my friends and I (let alone the entire audience). So flash forward almost six years later (I was a sophomore in college when this happened), and he's coming to Laugh's Comedy Spot and I get to host the show he's on. Holy crap this is awesome!

Here's a picture of myself and him that we snapped on the second night. Slight height difference, no? I was his driver to the club (my "cab") on both nights, which gave me the chance to share the story above with him.z We talked about the jump-rope bit and whether it was still in the rotation. He shared some behind the scenes stories about the Cash Cab while the feature was on stage (Gabriel Rutledge, amazingly funny). His act has some pretty good stories about it too, so if you get a chance to see him live and are a fan of the show, you should really go. Even if you aren't, the story he tells is freaking hilarious regardless.

Ok, so that was pretty cool. A comedian from my past revisited. Can we top that this year? Of course!

Enter Bill Dwyer. Most people wouldn't recognize him out on the street (which is my favorite type of famous) but if you were a nerdy kid like me in the 90's you know his face and voice well. Who is Bill Dwyer and why does Brian have an obvious celebrity crush on this guy? Well, its because he was the host and lead commentator on Comedy Central's Battlebots! This was before Comedy Central had enough original comedy programming to fill the entire day, so some of it was filmed with random stuff like this. Bring on the random stuff I say! Battlebots was an WWE type show with robots instead of big muscular dudes, and Bill doing his best to bring words to the metallic carnage that was unfolding on your reasonably sized standard definition TV. It was on for a couple of seasons, so it filled some of my more impressionable years. I wanted to build a battlebot and have Bill narrate its rise to remote controlled stardom. That was my dream. Well, I never got to build a battlebot, but I did get to talk about them with Mr. Dwyer, which is close enough that I can die happy.

As you can see from the picture about, I was very (too) excited. Even better, he was super cool about me nerding out with him. I was thinking I was going to get a "that's great kid" type of response, but instead we talked about all the people and robots from original show, all the merchandising that went on, and even how some people are working to get the show back someday (fingers crossed). Then I was honored to have him watch me eat shit in that night's round of the competition where I took last place (having now looked at my scores I know this). Even after throwing my chances at moving on in the competition, he still took that picture with me though. Childhood star meeting, check!

So its been a pretty good year for meeting people, if not getting better at this whole comedy thing. BTW, last year I met Robin Williams and got this picture taken. So that year is pretty much the year to beat. :-)

Seattle International Comedy Competition - Night 5 & 6

2009-11-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

Ok two more nights passed and one more blog. Again, so much more for one post per night. Oh well.

Night five of the competition was off to Bellingham, a city around two hours north of Seattle. This would mark the farthest we have traveled for the competition. I went up a couple hours before the show with Leyna to see the city and to have dinner with her Mom. We took the scenic route, saw some fabulous beach view, and visited an antique shop in downtown Bellingham. B-ham. Bellinghamster! I also got to visit Boundary Bay brewery, which was on my list of breweries to visit in Seattle. After a fabulous spagetti dinner, it was off to the Fairhaven POub and Martini Bar. Yes, a pub AND martini bar, in the same building, and it didn't look like either. They really should just call it Fairhaven bar with a stage. I think that was its qualification for hosting the show that night.

I knew that it wasn't going to be a good night. I wasn't going to change my set and something told me that my hobbit opener wasn't going to ring as true here at the pub AND martini bar. The comic before me had a rough set and I went up to probably the coldest room of the week. I actually held my room, but it was one of those sets where it was like trying to jog through snow compared with the night before. It was funny, while going into my hairy chest joke, some girl said, "I don't think so!" when I said that they could follow my Happy Trail. Part of me wanted to stop my set and say "Fuck you, my girlfriend is sitting over there and she follows it, so suck it! Actually don't,.." Maybe if I had, my score would have been higher. Cy called someone a "retarded faggot" and took 5th if that is any indication of what we were dealing it.

I didn't place tonight (shocker), but I'm still not looking at my scores at this point. Everyone else is freaking out at this point as we are heading into the home stretch. Most people are going to use tonight as their drop score. After my performances in night one and two, I don't think I have a drop score option anymore. :) Drop scores aside, Jose and Andy had great sets and scored first and second respectively. All in all, I felt my set went over pretty well for a bar show where I did the same set I did at a theater show. Doesn't really matter, time to get out of this town...

Into night six. Final night. Industry night! We had a talent agent from CBS and the guy that does recruiting for the "Just for Laughs" festival in Montreal. What we think this means is opportunities galore for all the comics in week one. What this really means is the toughest and probably most accurate scoring of the week. Still, having not looked at my scores, I'm feeling pretty good going into that night. I may still have a chance to make the top five (I didn't know how far from the truth this was). Fast forward to the set. I thought it was solid for the most part. Strong start, stronger middle, meh, ended kinda week. My closers have definitely been the weakest link this competition. One of the (many) takeaways. After leaving the stage, that was it. I had done six shows in six nights and it was all over. At this point, it was just waiting for the scores. I thought, I could have placed tonight? Sure, why not. I did not place, I did not move on. I didn't pass go either, but I made $200. The final five were Matt Billon, Jose Sarduy, Roger Lazola, Scott Monroe, and Andy Haynes. Andy took second on the last night and slipped right into 5th place for the week to upset Jane Stanton. It was a photo finish for the 5th place spot. I

I took 11th on the last night show. Not ever close to sixth. Heh. I also took 14th for the week. Ya, not even close to placing. Wonderful, wonderful delusion. Holy shit I'm glad I didn't look at my scores huh!?!? Right? Best decision I made all week. That and switching my set on night three. That took me from last place on Thursday (LAST!?!? WTF!) and 5th on Friday. I don't think I could have done that had I let the full weight of Thursday fall on me. That fifth place finish was all that I wanted out of this competition and I did it. So happy. Josh Gondelman took 5th on the last night, which was awesome, since I had displaced him for 5th in Aurbun by like one point. I got my picture. I'm good. But ya, scores. Don't ever look at them.

So ya, the competition is over! Takeaways? Don't look at your scores, I think I said that already?
Now that it's over though, I'm really interested in the raw scores to see if there might be some trends over the entirety of the competition. My strongest point? Probably overcoming my nerves the first night and punching through to take 5th on Friday. My weakest point? My set choice. You watch guys like Jose or Andy or even Ahmed and they have a varied set that I didn't have going into this competition. All their bits were unique but related to a common theme. For me, I think my voice is just starting to appear and all of my jokes were kind of generic. I knew this going into the competition, but didn't know exactly what I knew. My friend Toby explained it to me. My second to last joke's punchline was that I got an erection. My last joke was about getting an erection. No wonder my closer never landed like I wanted! I was basically telling the same joke twice.

Although I had so much fun and learned a bunch of stuff, I am so freaking tired. Maybe it's because I haven't given myself a break even though the competition is over. I went to the open mic last night at Laughs (where I took LAST!) and I'm writing this blog entry from an open mic in Magnolia. What the hell is wrong with me?!? :P

Seattle International Comedy Competition - Night 4

2009-11-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

Last night's event was at the Historic Everett Theater in Everett, Washington. This place was a beautiful theater right in downtown Everett. Seated about 800 people on a packed show, I think we had around 450 people there. It had a mezzanine about a quarter filled (more on that later). Still, it was going to be very interesting performing in this kind of place. I have never done a theater show before, so this was many of the interesting learning experiences I knew that I would get in this competition.

I drove Ahmed Bharoocha and Josh Gondelman up there with me again. They've been good car pooling buddies. I've been taking the opportunity to bend their ear about Boston comedy and the scene out there. Networking with other comics is key for these sort of events. It's really the one thing that everyone gets out of the competition now matter how you place. Unless you're a douche-bag that no one wants to talk to. Thankfully, we haven't had any of those in our week, so overall the group dynamic has been great. Hopefully when I'm in Boston, or Dallas, or New York, or wherever, I'll be able to call back to these experience and friends that I've made so far in the competition and get some good stage time, or at least a couch to crash on. Ok, enough sappy stuff, back to the competition!

The Everett Theater has a great backstage, mostly because its a real theater. It was kind of cool to hang out behind the curtain and listen to the show, knowing that just a couple of inches beyond it was a comic and 450 people listening to him. Steve Monroe took the opportunity to explore the entire theater, including the rafters, while the performance was underway. What are you going to do with an ex-tech geek with a flashlight, I just don't know. Regardless, the backstage was more popular than the green room tonight. Possibly because the green room was the dressing room and sounded like there were birds mating in there due to a squeaky belt driven air exchanger in the basement. The backstage was also well insulated (unlike Auburn), so we were able to converse with each other about the sets previously and currently on stage.

I was up 9th tonight, which for most would be the best time to go up, but this night there was an intermission between the 8th and the 9th comic. This meant I was essentially the "first" comic in the second half. The host, Paul Myerhaug, who has been awesome by the way, did about four minutes in front of me to get the crowd going again. I hit the stage and it was another great set! I mean, I got my closest to going over seven minutes (with 6:34) because the crowd was laughing at my jokes for so long. I felt super comfortable coming off of night 3 with my newly arranged set and it shows. Also, comparing my nervousness level from night one to last night, wow what a difference. The confidence level and timing with which I've delivered this set has increased so much during this competition. I knew that I had a lot to gain going into this, more so than many of the competitors in this week, and my performance last night has shown that I took my punches from night's one and two and am bouncing back.

The long and the short of this though was that I didn't place last night. I apparently was very close to placing, as everyone was every excited to tell me that I was very close to placing, which means I took sixth. Not bad for someone who couldn't close just two nights before. :-) At this point though, every is surely freaking out about the scores. Word on the street (and mathematically), is that the top three spots are already locked in at this point in the week. This is not surprising, as Jose Sarduy again took first tonight. Matt Billon, Steve Monroe, Roger Lazola, and Jane Stanton rounded out the top five. Beginning to see a pattern here?

Spot number four is also pretty much spoken for. The fifth spot is up for grabs though. Currently Jane is in it right now, but I've been told that everyone down to 12th is a contender for 5th when you take into account the drop night. I'm tenth in that list. Dammit guys! I'm trying not to look at my scores here. Anyone who is going to, or who have been in this competition, not looking at your scores is the toughest freaking thing to do, especially as it comes down to the wire and everyone is freaking out. You will find out, even if you don't want to, because someone will want to talk with you about it and will "fill you in" just so they can complain or brag or whatever about their own position. "Hey Brian I'm 8th so I'm still in the running, you're 10th by the way so you shouldn't give up either." Dammit! Stop unpurifying my thoughts!

Jose Sarduy has been a really great guy to hang out with during this competition. Last night he offered me some great advice about merchandising and doing theater shows. Talked about writing jokes, his experiences in the San Fransisco competition, and just good comedy. He also complimented me on my sets the last two nights, which doesn't hurt either. It's this kind of stuff for which I'm really exciting to be participating this year. The field is so good, the sets are so polished, that I can't NOT learn anything just by being here.

We went out for drinks with most of the competitors last night in Capitol Hill after the show. This was the first (and probably only) outside show hangout everyone did together. We had a good 16 people at the bar, it was a nice sized party. I drove Ahmed and Josh down from Everett, and I introduced them to Dic's Hamburgers on the way to the bar. Ahmed says, "I'm kinda hungry" and I turn to him and say, "I know what we can put in your stomach, some Dic's." It then took me five minutes to undo the damage and convince him that Dic's was an actual drive in and not some gay stripper club. It's kind of a Seattle institution, just a notch below In-N-Out Burgers. They loved it and my car was filled with the smells of Dic's all the way to the bar.

I really need to take a shower as my ride is about 15 minutes away from picking me up to drive me up to Bellingham, where tonight's show will take place. Stay tuned for the fourth installment tomorrow!

Seattle International Comedy Competition - Night 2 & 3

2009-11-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

Ok so I already haven't kept to my one blog post per night. Sorry, I had to go to work and it sucked yesterday. So here are my updates from nights two and three. Night two was at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland. This is my home club, so I was expecting a great set. I was scheduled to go up third, which was a little early. I went after Jose Sarduey, which was the guy who took first from the first night. He had another great set, which I think set the expectations a little high for my set.

Regardless, I had a strong opening again. I think I lost the crowd though when I started being a little mean during my online dating joke. I also tried some new segways that were a little clunky, as I wrote them outside the club. Mistakes one and two for the night. I ended with a whimper again that night, which was upsetting as I was hoping to show well at the club I do the most sets at. Oh well. Steve Monroe took first with a joke about the five types of hugs, where he hugged some lady from the audience and explained what he was doing. I'm so upset that this guy comes into my home club and rips off my "Five different types of hand jobs joke", albeit my joke is a lot harder to get a participant to help with. Jose Sarduy, Roger Lazola, Matt Billion, and Andy Hanyes filled out the rest of the top five. Cy Amundson also had a great set, but was denied placing. Fun times in the life of comedy competitions.

So now we're going into night three, the Auburn Theater. I had gotten interviewed by the Auburn Reporter on Thursday when I was leaving work. I thought that I might be one of the many people that were being interviewed for the paper. I was wrong. When I got to the theater, a woman approached me and said, "I recognize you from the paper." I got a hold of the article that she was talking about; my mug was on the front page. Pretty cool eh? I was a good page long article about my rise to comedy greatness and my participation in this years show. Well maybe not greatness, but it talked about how I hate bombing my first year doing comedy. He also spelled my name "Boshe", which my dad wasn't happy to hear about. That last "s" is important you know.

The show in Auburn was awesome. Everyone was having killer sets. Josh Gondelman, a comic in from Boston who I had given a ride to the gig that night, went up and had the best set I've seen him have so far in the competition. He's a Jewish comedian of a similar age, our acts our quite a bit different, but he was the one for me to beat tonight. I was up 14th, which I was concerned about maybe the crowd becoming too tired by the time I hit the stage. I couldn't have been more wrong. They stayed strong the entire night and I had the best night in the competition so far.

In the previous nights, I had done a joke about "morning sex" and also a kind of sexist tag during my online dating routine. Both of those bits destroyed my closer, and I always ended weakly. I was determined to change this going into tonight. It was also "TV-clean" night, which meant that the morning sex bit was pushing it, so there was extra motivation there. I decided to replace both of those with a bit about restless leg syndrome drug and my experiences getting my wedding suit fitted, the latter which I had done on night one. The difference was sizable. There wasn't a reason for the audience not to like me anymore! I finally got to close strong, got my encore point, and left the stage thinking "that is how I should have been competing from the start".

This performance was enough to eek out fifth place right in front of Josh Gondelman, who was right behind me be one tenth of a point. I placed! That is really all I wanted to do; place one night of the competition. Get that coveted picture of me and the four other finishers that night. I was so excited, and happy, and thrilled to be on that side of the stage, in front of that great crowd in Aurburn, after having my best set of the competition so far. After the show, I went to Denny's with Josh, Cy, and Ahmed and had way too much sugar, and then drove Josh and Ahmed back to their host house in Wedgewood. What a great middle of the competition. I've reach my goal, and still have three more nights left in the competition. I figured out my set, this is what I'm sticking with for the rest of my competition. Too bad it took two nights to figure it out. :-) Who knows, I might actually have to start thinking about moving on to the semis, which in all honesty, I had ruled out before tonight.

Oh, and if you want to read the article, I've linked it here.

Seattle International Comedy Competition - Night 1

2009-11-04T23:36:00.000-08:00

Tonight kicked off the first night of the 30th annual Seattle International Comedy Competition at the beautiful Columbia City Theater. It's the first night of my preliminary week, and my first night in a real competition (if we don't count Bend as a real competition). I drew 3rd in the lineup, which was a good place for me as I wanted to go up early this show and not sit and be anxious before my first set.

I'd like to say that it worked out that way and I wasn't anxious. That couldn't be more from the truth. I was super nervous getting through my entire set. My opener fell correctly though and my follow-up joke, which I had changed the wording to moments before hitting the stage, worked as well. The middle of the set also went well. My morning sex joke didn't quite land like I wanted to, but I heard a bunch of people loosing their shit somewhere in the audience, so overall I was happy. My closer did ok, but the thing I'm most upset about was I flubbed putting the mic back in the mic stand. I was so embarrassed as I sat for a good 15 seconds and tried to figure out how to jam it back in there. That might have cost my some points in my technique or something, but I'm not looking at my scores until this entire week is over. Should save me from a lot of head games. I did get the all important "encore point" which adds a point to my score. All but two comics tonight got that, and those that didn't had a bit of a meltdown (understandably).

So I didn't make the top five tonight. Jane Stanton, the only female in the group, took fifth. Matt Billon was fourth. Andy Haynes and Roger Lazola were third and second respectively. Roger had just come off the finals for the San Francisco comedy competition, so the second place finish was not to say expected, but well justified. Jose Sarduy took first and it was totally warranted. That guy destroyed the room tonight. His mostly Cuban-themed set was well polished, high energy, original and the crowd just ate it up, including yours truly. I'll be really excited to see him do that set again and again in this competition. If he keeps having reactions like that though, he's in the semis for sure.

It's going to be a really tough week from a competitors standpoint. It's just a really great field. There aren't any people that you watch and go "he's definitely not in the semis". Really, after only one night though, it's still anyone's game; no one is going to go quietly in this competition. That being said, all the guys seem really cool and fun to hang out with. I won't go into it too much more than that after the first night as they could all be douchebags and it may take a day or two to tease it out of them. Regardless, I hope to make some new contacts at least in some new markets and hopefully they enjoy Seattle.

Tomorrow we head to Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, my home club. I'm going to shake whatever is left of these nerves and bring it tomorrow, HARD. Can't wait!

UPDATE: Just watched the video. It looked way better than I thought it was. Rock on!

My Arizona Comedy Debut

2009-10-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

Well it's come and gone. Well sort of, because I'm still here. My first comedy tour in Arizona is complete! Now its time to sit back, relax, take in more of this Arizona sunshine and visit with the family. I grew up here; born and raised in Scottsdale, Arizona. It's really important to break into this scene as I come down here a half dozen times a year. It would be really nice to be able to do comedy when I do, and then I could write off the flights as a "business expense."

The tour has been great! I love calling it a "tour" cause that is everything that wasn't. It was two shows in two nights. Last night in a bar, tonight in a video production studio. I'm totally moving up in the world.

Last night, after flying in and getting a quick meal with my parents, I made them drive me (cause I like feeling like I'm 14) into downtown Phoenix for my first gig at the Hidden House. This show was recommended to me by a fellow comedian in Seattle that got his start in Phoenix. The "Red Room" at the Hidden House is a room next to a bar that serves $6 steaks on Wednesdays, has $7.50 mini pitchers of beer, and could hold about 40 people without the fire marshal getting upset. Last night there were about that many people. I went up sort of near the end, so I was able to get a good feel for how the room was going to behave. Man, that was a trained audience. No hecklers. They've done a good job making a fine comedy audience at that Hidden House. My set was pretty good, but I thought I saw the light too early and bailed, which was the professional thing to do, but I was still pissed as I passed up time in front of a good audience. Still trying to work on my competition set, so I got some good mileage out of that regardless.

Tonight I performed at the "Thursday Night Funny" show at the Arizona Visual Arts Studio. This is actually a pretty cool place where local businesses can go to get anything from commercials made to 3-D animations for presentations. Oh, and on the first and third Thursday of the month, they also have free comedy on Sound Stage B. It was a pretty cool stage. The audience could have held around 30 people, so its a pretty intimate showroom. It was "very" intimate tonight though. I did get a free Miller High Life Light. See, now I didn't even know that they made that beer in a "light" form. The more you know... Did about eight minutes and some of the jokes I didn't get to do the previous night. I wish I could do some of my newer jokes that I've been writing, but for first impressions down here I didn't want to open mic it.

I've learned a bit about the comedy scene down here and I've found there are some interesting differences and similarities to Seattle and Phoenix comedy scenes. This opinion is formed after doing only two shows here, so bear with me, but it still deserves documentation in blog form:

Phoenix comics like to say "fuck" a lot, especially at the Hidden House, whereas Seattle comics like to say "shit" a lot, basically everywhere.
Comedy personalities transcend state borders. I've found doppelgangers of a couple Seattle comics that I really want to introduce to each other. It would be old Doc from "Back to the Future II" seeing past Doc, and one is freaking out because the other guy stole his premise.
No matter how creepy you might be, having an t-shirt with your head on it usually ups you on the creepiness scale.
My Dad loves trainwrecks.
Some of the coolest places to do comedy, not a lot of audience members come to. It all comes down to the most important thing in show-business, parking.
I have too much hair for some of the people in Phoenix. That, or a need a haircut. Probably both.
If you see a guy in the lobby with a guitar case, chances are, he is going to play it. If he plays it, you will feel awkward. There are no chances there, it's just a fact.
In Seattle people complain about the rain. In Phoenix people complain about Seattlites visiting in the winter because of the rain. In this situation, no one wins, except the comics. Even then, it's a viscous cycle of hack material.

Vanity Series: Interesting Links, part I

2009-10-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

Do you ever Google yourself? You know, just to see what's out there on you? I do, and just did. This post series will be dedicated to the weirdest places where I found links to things about me.

Tonight's winner goes to "Jew Station".

http://jewstation.magnify.net/video/Brian-Boshes-J-Date

To think there is actually a website out there called "Jew Station". Jesus...

It features a comedy time video I did over a year ago which has been picked up by a crapload of websites that don't produce their own content. Comedy time, freakin best thing I did ever. Next time I'll wear a better shirt.

Seattle Comedy Competition Countdown

2009-10-12T21:53:00.000-07:00

Friends and various blog readers, I've been away from the blog for a while. I'm sorry. Who would have thought an epiphany would be so time consuming. It's been a combination of things really, but needless to say I'm really happy right now. Which is usually bad for comedy, but I'm doing ok. This month will prove to be a very exciting month filled with some interesting gigs and writing I'm sure. Next month it gets even more interesting...

Starting the first week in November, I'll be competing in the 30th annual Seattle International Comedy Competition. Check it out here to see my mug on the page of comics (new picture taken just for the comp). I'm in week one of the preliminaries, which means I'm doing six back to back shows all over the greater Seattle area that first week in November. I'll be scored in a bunch of different areas like originality, likability, and stage presence. I'll be competing against 16 people in my round, with the top five moving on to the semis. The second prelim week will bring in another 5 out of 16 for a total of 10 in the semi-finals. Then it's whittled down to the final 5 for the last round. The final show is at the Moore Theater in downtown Seattle in front of multiple hundreds of people. The winner gets a CD deal (among other things). I hope to do a short blog post about each night as the experience unfolds. Let's hope I get to do more than six posts. :)

I think at this point I've figured out the jokes I want to tell for my first round set. It has to be somewhere over three minutes to score but under seven to stay qualified, and all of it has to be really funny. Especially the last part; closer has to be solid. That is where I think I'm the most shaky but have the most potential for improvement, so I've been hitting the shows and working on my competition set. I don't want to question anything about my set when I get up there and do it. I just want to go up and give the best performance I can six times in a row. That's all I can do. Hopefully if I'm not worrying about my set I can also enjoy myself just a little. That would be nice.

I'm also looking forward to meeting some of the comedians that are coming from all over the country (and Canada?). This year, Seattle only took nine locals, which is quite few when compared to previous years. It'll be good for both the audience and the competitors as it should be a pretty varied field with lots of different styles. I'm anxious to get some new comedy acquaintances that I can meet up with if I'm ever in their respective home towns. I hope they like me.

Many of the past competitors have been bending my ear on what a mind-fuck the competition will be and giving me tips to survive it. I'm really encouraged by the advice for the most part. I think that being able to deal with the mental (non-comedy) part of the competition is going to be the biggest part for me getting through this on many different levels. It can really do a number on you to take something subjective as stand-up, especially my stand which I have written is truly important only to me, and then try to apply a measure to it. Well Brian, your material is original, but your charisma is a three. WTF? These are the kind of things one has to be ready for when comedy competes.

Most of all, I'm really surprised (in a good way) of all the well wishes (in their various forms) towards my performance in the competition. Thank you to all my friends and colleges that have wished me well so far. You make me think I have a way better shot at this then I thought I did, and for that, I can't say how much I appreciate it. Good luck to everyone, but especially to yours truly.

The Comedy Lightbulb Switch

2009-08-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling to take another step up in my comedy over the last couple of weeks. I haven't had any crazy gigs since Bobcat came to Laughs in July. I haven't been booking myself out much either as the summer is pretty lite and I'm out enjoying the sun while it's still here. Still, I'm always somewhat working, always asking, what's next? I was most recently stressing over my audition set for the Vancouver Comedy Festival. I actually did the set twice, once to no one, and other to a booker I may never see again. Long story short, I'm probably not going to Vancouver this year (it's in 3 weeks). Regardless, a very big development did come out of the audition experience. Here's the story.

I had recently written a new joke about how nice it is when you get to have sex in the morning, before getting out of bed. I deliver it with more confidence than anything I've told before because A) it IS really nice, and B) it actually happened. It really is my favorite new joke. It's got a great, easy to relate to angle, characters, and fun twist at the end. Because of its energy, I started using it as my opener when I first wrote it. It would start my set with, "I'm having a great week this week because...", and go into the new joke. This is how I started my second Vancouver audition. The owner of Laughs Comedy Spot takes me aside and says, "Brian, love the new premise, but it really clashes with your other, more self-deprecating stuff. You should really think about changing the voice or moving it around in the set, because as your opener, no one knows whether to feel bad for you or not when you tell a self-deprecating joke later." As much as I love constructive criticism, I was upset by this comment initially. "It's my new opener!" I thought to myself. "This is the high energy stuff I should be doing! How dare he suggest I rewrite this!" It wasn't that dramatic but you get the idea. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. He was right. Time for an experiment.

My next big gig after the audition was opening for a comic named Brad Upton at a casino about 30 mins north of Seattle. I had decided earlier that I would open using my old opener (about my parents naming me BJ) and put the new morning sex joke at the end. I thought it would make a nice storybook ending to my set. "See all these bad things that happened to me? Well it doesn't matter now, cause I'm doing this" sort of thing. Best part, it worked! Left the stage feeling really good about how my act flowed and how my new joke worked even better as a closer.

But there was still something nagging me about this new joke. It kind of smelled different than my other material. Even as a closer I felt like the audience wasn't really going to accept this premise after hearing all my previous no-so-confident opinions about everything else. I didn't want to water down the morning sex material so to speak. I need a way to alter the approach on the rest of my act. Enter my friend Joe Larson. Joe is probably one of the hottest young comedians on the east coast who your probably haven't seen yet. You will very soon I guarantee it. His act oozes confidence, even when he's talking about how he's not, he still is. I wanted some of that in my act. I asked myself, what is Joe trying to say with his material? I wrote it down some of his jokes and the attitude/opinion he delivered them with. Then I asked, what am I REALLY trying to say with my material? Not "what am I saying today" not "what did I write down originally", but really, to me, deep down inside, why do I care about the premise? What do I care about? I looked at my jokes and then, suddenly, the attitude just started jumping out at me. I was so excited I could barely write it all down (maybe coffee was also to blame). I started grouping jokes into categories based on these various attitudes (which I wrote out as headers) and then segways and setups that had always seemed clunky and void of laughter became obsolete. "I don't need to tell them this because what I really wanted to say was this..." kind of thing. What was left was the real funny parts to my ideas but none of the "fluff" I had padded it with because I didn't know how to butt it up against anything else. When I finished hacking, my opener was gone, assigned to a point about 4 jokes into my first section. My closer is, well I might not have one anymore. Everything is a complete mess and, at the same time, more aligned than I have ever seen it before.

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to put it any of this into practice yet. This could be an amazing new epiphany or just another detour on my development as a comic. I'll know in a couple of weeks. Either way, its moments like these that make the creative process something I never want to live without.

Hemp Fest is filled with D-bags and Hippies, why do I go?

2009-08-18T20:41:00.001-07:00

Cause I want/have to work the comedy stage there, that's why. Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland got the job of providing daylight comedy entertainment in a tent at Hemp Fest. Hemp Fest, if you don't know, is a weekend long celebration to the (hopefully?) eventual legalization of marijuana. It has very little to do with the industrial uses of hemp. Me, being a really big nerd, that was the reason I first went. I thought, "maybe I'll be able to buy a really cool hemp backpack or something. At the very least, a nice poster." So there I was, circa 2006 on the hottest fucking day of the summer, strolling down to the park to buy myself a backpack. Little did I know, the creators originally wanted to call it "Marijuana Party!" but Seattle talked them down to "Hemp Fest" with the provision that if don't actually blow the smoke in a cops face, they'll let you smoke pot in public just this once...

I didn't really know that Hemp Fest was this sort of mecca for some people. They come from all over. All different kinds of people. Actually they are all the same type of people. All selling the same thing. Bongs. And t-shirts with bongs on them. They had bongs made out of junk this year, that was interesting. There were Arabs selling hookas like they were electronics. That was fun to watch, especially at 6pm on Sunday when they all mysteriously went "on sale". There were bongs that were six feet tall, which is stupid, especially for a person my size. Even stupider were the douche bags that were carrying them around obviously for the attention. It was like a stoner's version of a Porche. I'll take a real Porche, thank you.

The one guy I did miss this year was the unbreakable pipe guy. He's been replaced with bamboo pipe guy, which was nice, but I really liked the other one. He would whack this thing against the table going "IT'S UNBREAKABLE" . "SEE?!?!" He was the Sham-Wow guy of Hemp Fest basically. That really is the only reason to go to Hemp Fest, the people are so goshdarned funny, even if they are all hippies and douchebags. If they aren't funny they are also semi-naked. There are two types of semi-naked at Hemp Fest. There are the girls sporting the bra because they live in Seattle and don't actually own a bikini. Then there are the guys. These guys I missed at Folk Life. These are the fellas that work out all summer, then go to events like this shirtless and strut around, as if someone is going to go, "OMG, I love your tat and your 6 foot bong, please have sex with me and my friend with the bra on". So now the guy driving around in the bong-Porche is getting it detailed as if that makes it look better? I did not see one hookup the whole weekend, although I did see a guy pleasuring himself under a tree. Now THAT was awkward.

The comedy? Oh right, that. I did 5 sets. I watched a couple comics get eaten alive by a stoned crowd with the munchies and no appetite for jokes. I watched one comic clear the room on purpose, and a couple more clearing it on accident. I even did some improve on stage with a bunch of other comics with a special guest host. I capped off the weekend with a set in front of the last act. It's really interesting to do comedy during the day time to people who didn't invest anything in seeing your act. By interesting I mean sucked a larger than average penis. Even so, I did about 15 minutes and really had the crowd on my side by the end of it (at least in my head that's how it went down). Was able to talk with them and had a lot of fun with it, good end to it all. Note: I want a 12 year old sitting in the front row at all of my shows and he has to be as cool as the one at this show. Thanks.

I think the best part of doing comedy at Hemp Fest was that we had a backstage with our own bathroom, drinks, and a place to sit that I didn't fear getting stabbed in the ass from someones broken bong or pipe. We were supposed to have other people that had backstage passes back there with us, but the owners of the club where like "ummm I don't know you, so get the fuck out of our area." Most of them wouldn't have stayed even if we let them; the other backstages apparently were much "cooler" than ours. And they had food. We had a bag of chips, but we were fine.

In the end, I was there for the same reason all comics go to this sort of thing, to get new material for my act (and my blog). And I got another really nice poster.

It's so Freaking Hot! or: How I learned to stop sweating and love the sun

2009-07-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

That's a lie. I don't think I'll ever stop sweating. At least not anytime this week. Yesterday and today Seattle broke the hottest day on record record with 103 and 96 degrees respectively. It's really freaking hot, for Seattle. Its like 85 degrees in my house when I try to fall asleep, at 2am. I've been getting about 5 hours of sleep this week because of the heat, so I've been especially tired and cranky at work. On top of this, I find myself waking up at 4am all delirious thinking that someone is trying to break into my house all because I'm sweating and dehydrated and the fan is blowing straight into my eyeballs so I can barely open them in the morning. Seriously, I spent a good 10 minutes staring out my window last night thinking that my "fire twin" was going to come in through the door and it was going to get even hotter! I was totally sober to the best of my knowledge. That, or I need to go get some more of those raviolis from the farmers market. It's actually really nice though in the morning. Reminds me of my first job in Phoenix when I was doing tech support and needed to be in at work at 8am. The sun was just starting to get hot and there was a muggy coolness to the air still. Then it got hot as balls (mine can attest to this).

But Phoenicians know how to deal with heat. So does anyone from the South or the Eastern seaboard. West coasters north of San Fran, they're all retarded. I say "they" and not "we" only because I bought my fans last year and haven't been a part of the fan and a/c buying frenzy that everyone saw coming from about a week away. Seriously, if I wouldn't feel like such a douche, I could have made a killing in the air conditioning futures market. What am I getting at? There are no fans left in Seattle. Actually there are still some left in Seattle. There are no fans left in Bellevue is more appropriate. There are big signs at the entrance to the Home Depot in Redmond that says they are out of air conditions, check back in 2 weeks. Two weeks?!? It will be probably be raining by then, who needs a flipping air conditioner then? (Hopefully not, my parents are coming to visit). I heard some friends saying that they wanted to check into a hotel room for the a/c. Consider you can't even buy it, I would be suprised if you could rent it...

But fans and fan technology has been the topic of choice this week, because I work with a bunch of nerds really. The current argument is that the "Vornado" is the best of fans. After Tuesday night, I'll agree with them, but the name is just silly. They're all silly names, I know. You go to Target and all the brands are "Hawaiian Breeze" or "Wind Extruder" or "Hunter". I think a good marketing move would be to make the brand of fans called "I Am Hot". Then all the different sizes and shapes could be different variations on the phrase. "I Am (A Little) Hot" would be the smaller one, good for bedside tables and office desks. "I Am (Always) Hot" would be a clip on solar powered fan, for the sweater on the go. "I Am (Really) Hot" would be the room sized box fan, great for any space inside the home. "I Am (Annoying) Hot" would be the one that rotates and purifies the air at the same time. "I Am (Fucking) Hot" would basically come with a block of dry ice and a package of condoms. I would have the "I Am (so hot I'm hallucinating 'fire twins') Hot" model, which, coincidentally, is also a box fan.

The other part of the Summer Heat Showdown 2009 that I enjoy are all the Facebook updates regarding the weather. I mean, even if you lived in an air conditioned bubble you could still experience vicariously the miserableness of others though the science of the internet. These daring pioneers of weather opinion reporting are also the same people, that, go back far enough, you'll see them complaining about it being too cold on their Facebook accounts. I'm convinced that God has a Facebook account and is friends with EVERYONE and is now just screwing with us all in response to his news feed. Twitter and Facebook are very god-like like that. If I could play God, I would really love to make it 45 degrees for a couple of days coming up, just to make the Facebook status updates go from "oooh this weather is cooling me off, so nice!" to "man I kind of miss the heat now, just had to turn on the heater" to "WTF! Its August and its 45 degrees! Seattle blows!". Until I have the power to control the weather, I'll write blog posts about it next to my box fan, ehem, I mean "I Am (so hot I'm hallucinating 'fire twins') Hot" fan.

Ice Cream is BACK!

2009-07-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

I like good food. I like eating. I like eating good food. Good food, I'm convinced, used to just be called "food" 30 years ago. It was just what you ate. You didn't really think about it. If it was sweet it probably had sugar in it. If it was salty, there was probably a crapload of MSG in it. Nutrition wasn't really an issue, since food was made out of food.

Now, there seems to be this idea of a "craft food" movement that is happening right now. Kind of like what happened to the beer industry 20 years ago. Refresher, before that point, all beer in this country was crap. But, like 100 years ago, beer was amazing, because it was really beer! Now. Fast forward today. Food, or the thing that we know of as food, isn't really food. 30 years ago it was, but now, for the most part, it is not. Enter the craft food movement. Enter, ice cream stores. These are on the forefront of the craft food movement, right behind those god damned cupcakes. We used to have ice cream store, then things like Dairy Queen and Baskin Robins took them off the map. We'll they're back my friends, back with a vengeance and a really douchy following.

Ok, first off, the ice cream (and the cupcakes for that matter) are delicious. Their great! Taste freaking amazing! Wish I could have them everyday. Good for those people for making such great ice cream. My problem with the whole situation is the douchebags that go to the new ice cream places when they open and comment how it tastes so "traditional and good, not like those brands you find in the store". Screw you people! You're the ones that welcomed the shitty ice cream with open arms when it first came out. Holy crap its a $1 cheaper and packed with more of that "home-churned taste." I'm just really afraid that in 20 years there is going to be a guy that opens an Apple Store that serves home grown apples that were actually grown on a tree. People will come and go, "Wow, all that classic apple taste. This is a place to bring the whole family to experience an apple, the way it should be." People will come by the hundreds to eat his apples, he'll open a chain of Apple Stores all over Seattle and Portland. A month later he'll be sued by the iPod-enabled robotic reincarnation of Steve Jobs. To think, his reintroduction, would have helped the APPL stock price that much.

This blog post is making me hungry. I think I might head over to Safeway to pick up a gallon of Dryers. They're 50 cents off today!

Cleaning Gauntlet 2009, Summer Edition

2009-07-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

My apartment has reached a critical mass of dirtiness. It's not really that dirty, but I think it's finally breached the threshold between "unkept bachelor pad" and "you should really wear shoes if you're going to be in the kitchen". That's how I know it's time. You know how you put those strips in a solutions in chem lab and they would tell you how acidic or basic a solution is? That is what my linoleum tile in the kitchen is like. When it gets to be a certain shade of dull gray, I can just assume my entire apartment is that dirty and it should all be cleaned. They should make a sticker for that...

So the summer battle is upon us. It's my apartment versus me. I've been training these last couple of months for said battle by watching as much Stargate SG-1 as I can on Hulu. My apartment, on the other hand, has been getting better and better at hiding things I know must be somewhere, but cannot find. I don't have that big of an apartment; it must be getting really good at this. Something must be done. So after my epic comedy weekend, I throw down apartment (read: actually have time). I bite my thumb at thee! Prepare for an onslaught!

Now, the only problem with putting off the battle this long is the following: I cannot battle the beast alone. My own two hands cannot conquer the task, or at least, that would be too much work and I could really use some help. Short of magic, more SG-1, or someone else to help me, I need supplies. Now, usually I would want to use something earth friendly, cause that's how I am. I have a size 9 carbon footprint and I aim to keep it that way. Which is great, cause today, there are dozens of brands of cleaners that don't have artificial scents or dies, are PH balanced, or all natural ingredients. And they work great, as long as you clean more than once a quarter. Unfortunately for me, my apartment has become to strong and can no longer be fought with such gentle cleaning method. It must be beaten back into submission, like a penicillin resistant bacteria. I'm pretty sure you could throw all the lavender water or dandelion paste in the world at the grease on my stovetop and it would just smile right back at you. Smile as only 3 months of making bacon and frying potatoes undisturbed can. So I have to bring out the big guns. The cleaning solutions that were reverse engineered from weaponry used during the first World War. Solvents that say fuck you to grease, mold, and certain car paints. Products that will probably cause cancer in your grandchildren, but holy crap does it make cleaning easy!

The dust clears. The level of toxicity has been deemed inhabitable for humans. My kitchen is spotless. I will try my best to keep it this way, but I can feel it already giving into the laws of entropy. The universe is forever moving to a state of disorder. Next is my living room. Then the bathroom. Don't even talk to me about the loft. I think that place is growing a personality from the lack of attention coupled with the fact that I'm using basically as a garage right now.

Mom if your reading this, really, its not that dirty...

Opening for an 80's Legend

2009-07-13T22:11:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's what I was doing this weekend. Bobcat Goldthwait came to Kirkland this weekend as part of his "Alimony 2009" tour, and yours truly was his opener. Funny how quick this gig came up. I remember what Laughs Comedy Spot's owner, Dave, asked me about wanting to do this gig. I was floored. Bobcat Goldthwait!?! Me? Really? That's awesome. I've been listening to this guy for years, his last CD was hilarious (pick it up if and take a listen). I know, a lot of people grew up with this guy, and I'm about as old in living years as his comedy career, but it was still a big deal. So that was back in March I think and I was thinking to myself, "wow, July, that's in a while", but it has gone and went.

So I'm basically writing this post as an answer to the "how was it"s that I've gotten from all my friends. Not that I don't love them, thanks to everyone that has asked, I just work during the day and wanting to respond to each of you was making my head spin. So here's how it was...

We did four shows. Two on Friday and two on Saturday. I had done a show the night before at Laughs with a Dr. Kevin Fitzgerald (cat doctor / standup comedian) so I was feeling pretty good and practiced. One thing about this weekend that bothered me is that I didn't really have any new jokes besides one that I wrote last week. Good news is, the new joke is awesome, bad news was that I was doing a lot of material that people may have already seen. This bothered me some going into the gig (takeaways from the gig to follow). I didn't get to meet Bobcat until after my first set since he got there in between me hitting the stage. His sets were awesome. He did about 20 minutes it seems on Michael Jackson. I know that he had about 10 minutes on him before he died, so I think he knows that this is the death of the Michael Jackson bit tour. At least it would have seemed that way. Hilarious though for the next couple of months. He also told a joke about almost dying in a plane crash and the pilots reaction basically should have been, "ok, I'm going to try some shit I learned in pilot school..." Had me rolling every time (4 times).

My sets were all good. I never came close to bombing, although the first nights crowds were there to see Bobcat and really couldn't give a rat's ass who the openers were (or so it would seem). Here are some takeaways though from the weekend:

My energy level the second night was down. I really need to make sure that is up before hitting the stage. It showed a bit.
My long form jokes are getting better. Now that I know where the punches are and how I want to take the joke, I need to shape them so they sound more natural and less predictable.
I was able to tag the crap out of one joke by allowing myself to be overcome by the ridiculousness, I should do that more often.
My nerdy stuff isn't for everyone, but those that it is, it seems to destroy them.
My crowd interactions are improving, and going out into the crowd really helped my relatibility with the crowd
I think in one set, nine out of ten jokes are about sex in some way. I know, I know, I'm a 25 year old male, but I really think I need to branch out.
Bobcat's groupies are not called Bobkittens.

I got a new Mike Birbiglia CD from Amazon.com today, so I'm giving that a listen as he is doing the kind of story telling I want to be striving for. "Two Drink Mike" is his first one, already consumed that. It was a little bit better than "Secret Public Journal", but this one has more stories, and since that's what I'm trying to do, well there ya go.

Oh, and here is a picture with me and Bobcat. I'm way too happy in the picture but the other one didn't come out very good. I think it's because he just wrote "Good Job" on my CD before signing it...

Can you Transform into less awesome, no way!

2009-07-07T22:47:00.000-07:00

Quick one on the movie I saw last night. First of all, I lowered all expectations before seeing "Transformers II". That's what you have to do. Set the bar so low that it feels like you are leaping over it, no matter what happens. So here were my three criteria for this to be a good movie: 1) Things had to explode, alot. 2) Things had to explode, alot. 3) Megan Fox has to be running around, alot. "Transformers II, Revenge of the Fallen" was three for three. How could I be upset about that? It really is the best mindset to have when going to the movies, especially when its $10+ dollars now to see.

Transformers even went above and beyond my expectations. We've got too more racist robots, Skid and Mudflap. Some hot biker girl robots. Oh, and (spoiler?) some crazy hot terminator 3 like robot that tries to fuck Shiala LeBeouf to death. Optimus Prime doesn't have lines like "my bad" which is kind of nice. Shiala's character's mom is also a highlight. She is the source of most of the swearing and sexual reference. Without her character I'm sure we could have brought this down to a PG rating.

Best part of the movie is the complete rush of "I want to blow some shit up" feeling that you get after watching this movie. That's really the only feeling you can have. Cause "that was a fantastic cinematic event" doesn't really come to mind much. So if you don't get the first one, you're kind of screwed. My friend Matt and I left the theater and decided it was a good idea to completely tweak out in front of all the parents and their kids. I was thinking, it must suck to take a kid to this film as a parent, then I realized how we were acting, and I thought, "crap, how much would it suck to take us to the movies? We're 25. Oh well, screw it!" Then we tried to do our best impersonation of a transformer sound, which probably would have confused even a meth-head from Marysville. About 15 minutes later I got home and passed out, having expended all the energy I unusually burn over 3 hours in about 5 minutes. Whatever, I blame the Linkin Park song.

I really am a good sexual harrasser

2009-06-24T23:02:00.000-07:00

Last night I got to host a non-profit comedy show. Nice people. The organization's mission was to end sexual harassment of LGBT students K - 12. I'm all for that. Two thumbs up. Let them get married too. Support the troops. Ok, now, the second part of this story requires you to know that I'm also working my showcase set every chance I get. My showcase set is the 8 minutes I'm going to use to audition for the Vancouver Comedy Festival in a couple weeks. I'm trying to lock down the jokes and the order that they go in, so I try not to change things much. I open the show, introduce myself, and launch into my first bit.

The problem, which I realized after the first punch line, was that my opening joke was on how great of a sexual harasser I am in the workplace. I'm doing a bit on how good I am at sexual harassing people in a room full of people trying to end sexual harassment. Oh this is going to be good. I finished the first tag, "cause I'm really good at it..." and looked out into the audience. It was a mixture of horror and people thinking "that is funny, but I can't laugh at that right now." Oh, it was awesome. My best laugh of the night was me apologizing for being such a retard to open with that joke. I assured the audience that my harassment was always straight man against straight woman. I think someone booed after that one.

The funny thing was, the leaders of the organization where laughing the hardest. Everyone, LOOK AT THEM, they are laughing, you can too. Its like telling a black joke; if the black guy laughs, go ahead and let it out yourself! They were a good audience though. No hecklers, no one talked, no one laughed either, but what can you do. Make a set list that makes sense. Oh ya, that!

I was kind of bumming that my stellar performance last night, so I polished off a pint of ice cream and watched two episodes of Stargate SG-1. Yes, I'm watching a sci-fi show from the 90s, but I blame Hulu and all the other good shows ending for the season. Don't cancel "Chuck" please! Also, don't go thinking I'm a tuby for polishing off that ice cream. I'd been working on that pint for a couple of weeks. I have constraint, it takes me a while to finish one of those. That, and I think I'm becoming lactose intolerant as I get older. I blame heredity. My mom loves milkshakes. When I was little I would offer her some of mine. She would reply, "oh honey, I would love some but they don't agree with me." I thought that was the dumbest thing I had ever heard. If you like something, eat it, it doesn't matter what it "does to you". God has an interesting sense of humor.

We support a fun work environment?

2009-06-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

So even though I don't talk about it in my act, I do have a day job. Its a programming job. The job doesn't suck, which is great for many reasons and bad for two. Its bad because I probably won't quit it to pursue comedy any time soon, and it usually doesn't give me anything to write material about. Programming isn't that funny. It's not retail, its not fast food, I don't work with people. People are funny. Computers, not so much.

Regardless, I sometimes have a hard time leaving comedian Brian at home, or at the very least, out of the office. This is exacerbated by two other things here. One, my bromance friend Matt sits about 15 feet from me, and two, he thinks I'm hilarious. Because of this situation, if you worked at my office, you would have gotten to hear this today.

Brian: Matt, do you want some of my peanut butter cookie?
Matt: No, I don't like peanut butter. Actually I like peanut butter, but just not peanut butter cookies...
Brian: That is stupid...
Matt: If I had some peanut butter right now I would even lick it off... (makes circular motion across pectoral area as if he had breasts, then quickly points away to) ... that whiteboard.
Brian: Nice save... You should really like peanut butter cookies, it tastes just like peanut butter but better.

(pause) Enter comedian Brian

Brian: I mean, it's YOUR dog.
Matt: What?!?
Brian: It's not cheating if its YOUR dog. Right?
Matt: LOL
Brian: Man I love "Road Trip"
Matt: That was from "Road Trip"?
Brian: Ya, they were talking about cheating with reference to area codes and then the one guy mentions peanut butter and says "its not if its YOUR dog".

At this point, the 3rd iteration of "YOUR dog", the office behind me says, "Matt, please be quiet!" and rolls her door close (we have those retarded rolling doors here). She probably would have said "Brian, be quiet" if she knew my name, but she doesn't, so Matt gets double blame. Ha ha!

I mean, this place SAYS they promote a fun work environment. So you can see how I would be surprised that as soon as I quote a movie line which details a dog licking a peanut butter off of his master's penis, three times at an elevated volume, that I would get yelled at. Fun environment, sure. All the fun that silent Nazi-regimented programming can evoke. Tell the Jew to shut up and get back to work, I should complain to HR.

Brian: Ya, so I was talking about peanut butter penises and then this lady tells me to get back to work. She should probably be reprimanded, or at the very least, that retarded ass door removed.
HR woman: Brian are you coming on to me? You should. I think you're really attractive and muscular and I love peanut butter.
Brian: You're place? 7pm. I'll bring the wine. You bring those comment cards and that sassy mouth of yours.
HR woman: Your office fantasies are so HOT!

Crow on Crow Violence

2009-06-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

I bike into work on most days because its cheaper than driving my car, reduces my carbon footprint, and keeps me from blowing up into a giant fat person. That being said, one of my favorite things about riding my bike is being able to take in a lot more of my surroundings while I'm riding around. Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad. Other times, like this morning, its fucking disturbing and forever alters the way I perceive the world.

The short version of the story goes like this. Today, I saw two crows gang up and murder another crow by positioning it on the street in front of oncoming traffic.

So, here's the longer version. I was biking down the street when I heard this loud "cahwing" from trees above. Then three birds fall out of a tree, right into a street. I had been riding in front of traffic, so all the cars were behind me. I began thinking, "man, if those birds don't move, they are going to get hit by a car. Don't they know they are in the street." Then I realize that the two birds were actually attacking the third bird, and the bird on the bottom looked upset. A few seconds latter, the two birds fly off the third, and it's just lying there, obviously hurt and pretty pissed off for being shoved into the street. Then a Cadillac runs over him! Holy shit! That wasn't a coincidence. Those other two birds placed the other right in front of the car tire knowing full well that a car was going to hit him. Now, I know that animals rummage through our garbage, or swim in our pools, or occasionally are violated sexually in towns only tens of miles away from Seattle, but I have never once seen an animal use human technology to kill another animal. This is crazy!

So, this is really fucked up and for some reason I'm having a hard time dealing with it. It kind of rocks my whole perspective of the animal kingdom. Now when I see roadkill I'm going to have to ask if it was a suicide or homicide? I mean, if crows are plotting to get other crows run over, what else are they thinking? When pigeons shit on my car, do they do it because they really had to go or because they openly hate Volkswagens? Does the woodpecker who is trying to get into my chimney do it not because he is stupid, but knows its the loudest way to wake me up at 6am? Ok, maybe it's just birds. Maybe birds are the problem. Wait, when did it become me against the birds. We're still just dealing with crow on crow violence. I guess that's ok. I'm not a crow.

Still, it makes you wonder. Was the flight that ended up in the Hudson a coincidence, or like the avian equivalent of a Jamestown massacre for some crazy bird cult? Ya...

Opened at Harvey's Comedy Club in Portland

2009-06-12T13:39:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, my good friend Joe Larson (very funny, check him out if you've never done so) calls me up telling me there is an opening for a hosting spot at Harvey's Comedy Club in Portland that night. So beyond my own expectations, I hop in the car and make the 3 hour drive down to that fair city to the south. By "fair", I mean "hippy utopia". Harvey's is an amazing club. Sits over 300 when full, and it was packed for both shows. I've done crowds that size before, but it hadn't gone that great (thanks Tulalip casino), so I was pretty nervous for the first show. Needless to say, I did well, thanks to about a year of practice since eating it in front of a large crowd. Still, I wasn't so much presenting my jokes as I was saying "hey audience, here is my joke, hope you like it." Not where I wanted to be. My jokes are good enough to say, "hey audience, here is my joke, its fucking awesome and you're going to love it!" That was much more the way I ran the second show, and I knocked it out of the park. It was only 10 mins, but I could get used to that wall-o-sound laughter that came at me after some of those new tags. Thanks Portland for two awesome shows!

I'll say this, Portland does know how to do Sunday brunch pretty well. The only problem with that is that EVERYONE goes out for brunch. There is no good time to go outside of 10 - 2 for brunch on a Sunday, and who gets up before 10am on Sunday!?!? Actually, despite my ranting, we didn't have to wait that long. Most places have coffee to drink as you sit as well. To top it all off, our eventual server could have been a stand in for Matthew McConaughey. You want some eggs? Alright, alright, alright...

I ended up getting the biscuits and gravy. It was hidden on the bottom of the menu, I almost got the chorizo scramble, which would have been equally as good, mostly for the sour creme. I'm still chasing the amazing biscuit I had in Bend, Oregon at the West Side cafe, which is why I switched. If you're ever in Bend, go there, that thing was freaking amazing. This one though, not too shabby. The eggs held together much better than the fiasco in Reno. Those biscuits were pretty money, and the sausage gravy on it was perfect. Not to heavy, not to salty. But you know what can make even the best gravy better? JAM! Heaps and heaps of purple jam. What kind of jam was it Brian? Who the hell cares, it was delicious. It looked weird, tasted even weirder. But you know when something tastes so weird it actually tastes good? That's what the jam on the gravy tasted like. I'm like one of those people that puts a pickle in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Mind you, I've never done that, those people are weird, but I can empathize with them. Good breakfast "Genies" in Portland, you done well.

Reno Trip, complete with Breakfast!

2009-06-05T19:47:00.001-07:00

Last weekend I had the pleasure of visiting Reno, Nevada for some training for my other, "real" job. That isn't important. The important thing was that I was in Reno getting paid to work. Jealous yet? You will be (but probably not). Here are my takeaways from Reno:

I'm a very well put together, attractive, skinny, young 25 year old male compared to many of the people I came into contact with in Reno.
OMG, seriously, the best steakhouse in Reno, is still very crappy.
If you stay downtown you get a lot of crackheads. If you stay out of town, you can replace crackheads with old people and its about the same thing.
If Las Vegas wouldn't host your shitty event, Reno will. That same weekend there was a quilting expo, bowling tournament finals, and a tow truck convention. I was there for warehouse training so its not like my excuse was any better.
Blackjack dealers learn your name, which is kind of creepy when they are calling it out the next day as you walk by the tables. Its bad enough that I've got an itch to play, but do you have to cup my junk while I do it?
Free drinks is one of Gods many gifts to men. Fortunately, my money is also a gift for the casino, so you're welcome.
No matter how gay sounding a slot machine is, it could still make you the biggest winner of the weekend. My friend won $200 playing a game called "Kitty Glitter". He got a double super Persian cat bonus on a 30 point spin, whatever the fuck that means. End result, he won $200 and we laughed hysterically as he proclaimed, "look at all the kitties!".
Apparently you can cheat at the midway games at the Circus Circus and as long as no little kids are playing, the operators couldn't give a rats ass how you won.
Yes, you will get to go to Circus Circus against your friends wishes if you "accidentally" lead them there somehow.
You will smell like cigarettes regardless, so you might has well smoke while indoors.
Don't go head to head with a cabbie on how disgusting you can talk about a subject, especially having sex with midgets. He will win, ALWAYS.

But do you want to know the real reason I get to talk about this trip? Because, I got breakfast! Hooray. The coffee shop at the Peppermill here I come. A recreation of the Peppermill coffee shop from its previous location (not always in a casino), it had a 40s dinner charm, if that 40s diner charm was located in the Mad Hatter's dinning room from "Alice in Wonderland". I really wish I had a picture of the dining room. Lots of purple and pink lights with a fake cherry tree in the center. So unbelievably awesome yet trashy I didn't know whether to be disgusted or aroused. But yes, I'm getting behind myself here, the breakfast!

Corn beef hash and eggs. One of my more favored breakfasts. Corned beef hash, if you don't know, if crubed corned beef and usually potatoes. If you're good you put a little bit of onion and green pepper in there, like the best parts of a Denver omelet. Unfortunately the light in this picture isn't that great (blame the purple neon), but I don't know if it would have looked that much better regardless. It's a little sad looking now that I take a second look. I was really tired that morning, as it was our last, and this was the only real breakfast we had our 3 days there. Maybe that's why I was so excited.

If the eggs look like they are ready to bust out of there, its because I asked for them "over easy". At the Peppermill coffee shop, this is apparently too easy. As soon as I grazed the top of one of these bad boys, the entire thing burst open and fell apart. It was a sloppy mess, like a flooded New Orleans. I had my two dikes of meat and potatoes to keep it contained to at least one part of the plate. Thank god we left the pumps on! Good thing they gave me all the bread on the left too. Its like the R(i)ed Bread Cross ready to swoop in and clean up the neighborhood. Looks pretty dry and ready to soak up some of that eggy mess. But this is before it was reveal that it was actually, (duhn duhn, da!) a butter sandwich Where was that in the description of my meal. Poor planning. Looks like everyone needs to make their own way into the Superdome, which is what I'm calling my stomach from now on.

Seattle's Folk Life Festival

2009-05-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

I finally went to this thing again (its been 3 years). The Folk Life Festival marks the beginning of summer here in Seattle. That, or Memorial Day does it. I guess it just depends on where you are that day? Anyways, the weather was awesome, so everyone and their hippy-ass brother was out at the Seattle Center. I tried to look as folky as I could, which for me, consisted of my Oregon Country Fair (2006) t-shirt and a hat I got in Oregon made by the "Hat People". So basically, folk = Oregon for me I guess. I don't know what else to wear. If there was a grunge festival in North Carolina I would wear my Seattle shirt, if I had one. Or maybe something from Folk Life.

The thing about festivals at the Seattle Center is this though. If you plan on getting near the thing at all with a car, shoot yourself in the head because I think that will feel better than trying to deal with parking around there. You think Seattlites can't drive, wait until the sun comes out and they try to park in Queen Ann on a festival weekend. Even the buses are screwed, since people are driving into town to part in OTHER neighborhoods so they can take the bus in the last 3 miles. Wallingford, my neighboorhood, is one of the favored ones on the list, so my buses are fucked. The crazy thing is, if you have a bike, you can ride almost all the way to the entrance and lock up like 50 feet from the gates. That and I saw maybe 15 bikes by my entrance. WTF? Come of folkies. More people will bike to my work tomorrow, and they hate peace and love! Maybe if that hemp wearing 4 year old of yours could bike 15 mph on a busy thoroughfare we would be in a bit better shape huh. Can't find a space for your Prius? Awh... so sad.

I will give the hippies this: their whole notion of ladies clothing, from the waist up, I'm totally in agreement with. I never see bikini tops in Seattle until this weekend. NEVER! Folk Life weekend comes around, and its bikinis for everyone! I know, some people shouldn't be wearing them regardless of the dress code, but they are, so we have to deal. My favorite though has to be the ladies that aren't even wearing bikini tops, just bras. I know they are arguably the same thing, but somehow it just looks a little less classy. I feel like everyone that sees it is like, well you went through all the trouble to expose yourself, but you did that way? Did Folk Life catch you off guard this year? I know its Seattle, but would it kill people to have bikini tops and shorts available, just in case? I know I do. Actually, I still need to get some shorts...

I did get my quotient of viewing crazy hippies today. It really is a shame. Most of the year when they dance in the park people look at them and think they are crazy, which is kind of sad. At Folk Life though, people probably think the same thing, but at least now the crazy hippy man has a backup band. You dance your little dreadlocks off you grey haired dude with an entire life tree tatooed on your back. Hooray awkwardness!

So I'm ready for my Seattle festival seasons. I still can't wait for the Puyallup Fair. That one is most excellent as it has a rabbit barn and a craft showroom, among many other things. How could you go wrong with a craft showroom!?! Never. Also, Hemp Fest in August also continues the folky bikini top tradition, so at least there is that to look forward to.

Twice the Spock For The Same Price: My "Star Trek" movie reveiw

2009-05-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from seeing the new "Star Trek". I know what you're thinking. "Brian? I thought you were a super huge nerd and would have seen it opening weekend." Well, I'd hate to be predictable. That, and, like Wolverine, I had better things to do. Two good things come out of waiting to see Star Trek until two weeks after its opening. One, whenever a character people know is introduced on screen, it isn't accompanied by a bunch of cheering (and/or erections) from all the hard core fans in the audience. I mean, I had an erection the entire movie, but at least there wasn't any cheering. Secondly, my mom even heard it was good from one of her friends, so guess who bought my ticket to the movie. My dad. But my mom came too. So it was like a family movie outing. Yay. Made the erection really hard to deal with though...

How was the movie? Ok, there will be some slight spoilers here so if you haven't seen it, don't read on. Just know that it was worth seeing, stuff happens, go watch it. Still with me?

Ok, so the movie in itself was an excellent movie. Plot, lots of action, plenty of colorful things and attractive people, awesome sound, and some comedy to boot. Also put in a handful of throw-backs to the original, and you've got yourself a good Star Trek flick. This is about where my compliments for the film end. Let's look at the characters. All the original cast has been re-incarnated into newer, younger, more attractive versions of their former selves. The guy who plays Spock does a pretty good Spock. The lady who plays Ahura is a good (read: hotter) Ahura. And the guy who plays Zulu is Asian! Close enough!

Spoiler Alert! Ok, here is my one major gripe with this film. This is not really a Star Trek film so much as it's a "hey, how can we cash in on yet another preexisting body of work without having to really honor and of the story structure that happened before." Simple, we'll just create a new timeline with the old characters, make up some junk about it being a new timeline and how it came to be, and wah-lah! A blank check to use as you will to make countless sequels and oodles of money without actually having to write anything new. Albeit the story in the movie was actually quite good, but I thought good story should be taken with a grain of salt, that grain being an excuse.

You can't really blame them too much. The Star Trek universe has dealt with time travel before in that movie where they all go back in time to steal the whale and end up meeting the mom from "Seventh Heaven". I really liked that one; right up there with the one where Christopher Lloyd plays a Klingon. Then there was the whole "Enterprise" series where they basically break it off into its own storyline by declaring that it was taking place in a different reality. Also a good show; the Vulcan was hot and in many episodes was scantily clad. Almost outed Seven-of-Nine for the top spot on Star Trek characters I want to have sex with, but I digress. So now I guess the grievence is two fold. They are caching in on a previous body of work AND using a mechanism said work has already used to branch itself off of itself. Shenanigans indeed!

Somehow I couldn't help feel like I was watching an episode of Lost or Heroes due to the proximity of directors and actors who contributed to this film (JJ Abrams and the Spock guy). Also there were many more close up shots than in the original Star Trek films. I remember the older ones being much more fans of the wide pan than the shots in this film. Ok, that is way too film nerdy. I'll stop there.

In conclusion, go see it, its good.

BJ rating for Star Trek originality: C-
BJ regular movie rating: B+/A-

PS: I also found it funny that, as previews for the movie, we have "Transformers" and "GI Joe", two other movies that are raping the cache of fan sentiment as a way to make a bazillion dollars off of nerd erections.

First cramp, First press

2009-05-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Today two things happened today. First, I did three pushups and then threw out my shoulder. WTF? Three!?! Only three. I mean, I know, I didn't stretch, but this has like, never happened before. I was kinda pissed because I was in the mindset to bang out a few good ones too. Since last week, when I found out I have abs, I've been more motivated to work out. Mind you, this doesn't mean I've actually been working out more, but motivation is key. Keep on riding that bike, if it ever stops fucking raining this summer. In Seattle, April showers brings May showers brings June showers brings July. In July, we go freakin crazy and no one stays put and then we all collectively pass out in October, but that's a rant for a different time.

Secondly, when I get to work, my friend James sends me this:

http://media.www.su-spectator.com/media/storage/paper948/news/2009/04/22/Entertainment/Comics.Bring.laffs.To.Cap.Hills.Chop.Suey-3721821.shtml

Ladies and gentlemen, my first press where my comedic style was actually judged. Judges say, "eeeeer, WRONG". I call schenanigans, the judge was acting like a douche! Survey says: affirmative. Actually he really didn't have much nice to say about anything in the show, so I guess I'm lucky that I got a whole paragraph of him not liking me. The board and "Seinfeld Constant" he refers to is something new I'm trying to integrate into my act. In my defense, it was the first time I'd used it on stage and I'm still getting used to the mechanics of it. Since this performance, I've done it a half dozen more times, and I've gotten some pretty good feedback on it, so I'm excited. Don't feel bad for the article, this is why its good to start off in Seattle. Make "mistakes" where no one can see them. I mean really, who reads the Spectator anyways?

Wolverine on Wolverine - my X-Men review

2009-05-06T18:48:00.000-07:00

I saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" on Sunday. I know, your thinking, "Brian, what happened to Thursday night at midnight? Or at least Friday night?" To that I answer, "I had to be at work early on Friday and then that night I had dinner with a girl, which unfortunately, was way better than the movie". But I did see it opening weekend and was able to add my money to the $85 million+ total it took in domestically. Jesus Christ!

My review starts before the movie even does. Previews; big fan of them! The movie theater where I went now plays the commercials BEFORE the previews, like when you're just sitting there wishing you had bought some popcorn because they seriously put crack in it to make you want to buy it. So no commercials during the previews = awesome. Halfway through the previews though, I had a moment where I thought, "Man, these are some nerdy previews", but then quickly remembered what movie I was there to see. Are previews like movie foreplay? I wonder...

Ok so the movie already. As an almost nerd, I'm becoming a little disillusioned with the X-men franchise. I feel like in the first movie, they introduced a crap-ton of characters and for the most part, they were all pretty fleshed out from a character standpoint. You knew what power each of them had, usually their name, and a bit of back story within, meh the first 5 minutes of them on screen. Remeber the beginning of X-men, in the concentration camp, with Magnito, and the Nazis? Fucking brilliant! That's good storytelling. Storytelling apparently doesn't mean jack to the X-men writers anymore. They aren't story-telling so much as story-feeding. You need to come prepared! Don't know who that character is on the screen, tough, we aren't telling! If you did know who he was though you would probably just have creamed your pants because you totally didn't expect him/her/it to make an appearance, you can thank us later. So aside from Wolverine, Sabretooth, and maybe Gambit (a stretch), you shouldn't expect to know anyone else in the movie. I know, I know, its the Wolverine movie, but I'm a bit disappointed. At the very least, watch the first two X-men movies before seeing Origins so you can feel at least a little bit involved when the cameos come a calling.

Hugh Jackman is "naked" for maybe 30 seconds. Nakedness is implied, not realized. Topless with a bit of thigh would be more appropriate. Ladies this is not a reason to see the movie, but if you boyfriend wants to go, I guess its a plus. If you want naked, see "The Watchmen" (see previous post on that).

The story itself is ok. It has a beginning, middle, and an end, so at least its complete. The beginning was unexpected and awesome, but unfortunately they used up their awesomeness quota for the first 45 minutes in those first 5. After those first 5, hunker down with that popcorn you broke down and got, you'll be glad you have it. 40 minutes and a couple of forgettable characters later, we get to the plot that we knew had to happen to get to the end of the movie. I don't like movies like that. Like "Meet the Parents", you know it has to all go to shit so things can happen. Wolverine definitely had that feeling till about the hour mark.

The ending was exciting, but really confusing. Why are there 50 mutants just hanging around doing nothing? Couldn't you all be kicking ass right now? Shouldn't at least one of you be pissed enough to do something stupid and show off your powers. Nope, sorry, we only have the budget for the approved mutant powers for mutants with lines, so you guys, just act scared and follow (points to random character with a name), that guy. Cue the fight scene on ridiculous location! Andddddd, movie over! People died, we don't care, get out of the theater!

Ok, I think that's enough without ruining the movie for everyone. Really, I could have told you the ending and it probably wouldn't have changed much. You weren't going to see it for the story anyways, were you?

BJ Movie Rating - C+

Camping anyone?

2009-04-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

I used to go camping a lot before college. It was the thing to do when I was little. We camped all the way from Phoenix to Seattle once when I was 8 years old. Our old Mitzubishi panel van pulling its maximum weight in camping gear. Man that thing was so severely underpowered, but did I can, of course not. I had a coloring book mo-fo! Plastic windows? Who cares as long as my sister can't touch me from her own captain's chair. Behind us was a Coleman popup trailer with 2 queen beds. That thing was awesome. It was like a little portable cabin that you could level out and crank up when you got to the campground. I only forgot to lock the crank in place once, but it was funny in hindsight watching my dad freak out as the roof started to come down on him.

Fast forward almost 15 years. I went camping once last year, ONCE! This is not enough. I'm a white guy and I need to go out and "rough it" soon or I'm going to get all cranky and stuff. But I can't just go out there, I need stuff. Lots of fancy equipment. Fancy like a tent. So I'm going to go look at tents on Friday at REI and I might actually become a member of their co-op so they will stop freaking asking me everytime I'm in their god-damned store. "Hi do you know about our co-op program?" How can I not at this point. And you make me feel so bad for being on the outside of your stupid club. Really? Is it that important to you that I save 10%.

I also probably need a lantern and a stove. I would like to see things at night and cook my food. Oh and a cooler, to keep things cold and stuff. Ok so tent, cooler, lantern, stove. That's all I need. And a flashlight. And probably a table cloth? Maybe a good camping chair? Some rope. Definitely need some wood. Oh and a box to put all this crap in and some extra space in my closet to store all my new junk. Sweet, I'll be ready for camping in no time!

So this is me writing about something I haven't done in an effort to keep this blog active. Good stuff no? I'm serious about the camping thing though. It's going to happen (please)!

Away Gig in Richland, also, I'm going to start talking about breakfast more...

2009-04-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

I'm in a "comedy gantlet" this week as I like to call it. I've had a gig every night, Sunday to Sunday. Tonight is the last one. In the life of a professional comedian, not that big of a deal, I know. But for me, it has been a crazy week. The results though have been good; had one of my best sets at the Owl & Thistle bar in downtown, and really getting comfortable delivering both old and new material.

Friday night's gig was at a country club in Richland, WA, about a 3 hour drive from Seattle. The headliner was Brad Upton, great guy to work with and amazingly funny. I didn't get a chance to eat dinner that night, so three gin and tonics later (which were bought by members of the country club) I kindly asked Brad to drive me back to the hotel so I could pass out. Nine hours later I'm back in the car for Seattle, but stopped on the way back to do some wine tasting.

Before the wine tasting though, I had breakfast. I really love breakfast. Have I told you that? Well I do. More than a lot of things, I love breakfast. Its the most important meal of the day! You can have anything from any food-group and breakfast covers it. Fats, got it. Fruits and vegies, total possibility. Grains, proteins, dairy, holy crap its awesome. As I've started traveling more and more for comedy, I find myself eating breakfast at new and interesting places. Every town has their "favorite breakfast place". If you were in Seattle, I would say "Pete's Eggsnest" in Wallingford or "The Hurricane" in Belltown. I don't care if you agree with me, it's my blog. So from now on, expect some posts dedicated to my love for breakfast, with a comedic spin, as I over-analyze one of my favorite things. That's what I do if you're my favorite.

While in Richland, I went to "Sterlings Famous Steaks and Seafood" for breakfast. Originally, I was a little skeptical, as this doesn't sound like breakfast off the bat. Then again, neither does "The Hurricane". Anyways, I ordered the New York Omelet. There wasn't anything really New York about the omelet, but the omelet is one of those things where the name is mostly cute. Oh, the California omelet has avocados and Monterrey jack cheese, how freaking novel?!? Call it whatever you want. Even if you called it the "Clint Eastwood" and put avocado in it, people would still go, oh, its a California omelet. This is extra ironic because Clint Eastwood was the mayor of Carmel which is a city in California. Ooooooh. Just eat your eggs with stuff in them, ok? The French are laughing at us once again...

I realized I wanted to start blogging about breakfast when I was almost done, hence the mostly eaten plates and the $20 bill sitting there. I've already covered the omelet. It was ok. As you can see, I didn't finish it; this was how it ended. The biscuit, well, I've been ruined by the monster amazingness of a biscuit I got at the "West Site Cafe" in Bend, Oregon. Man, seriously. Best biscuits ever! Totally kicked this biscuit's ass, hands own. Overall, the meal tried to make itself up with the fruit plate, which was, by far, the crowning achievement for the meal. The only other thing that was better than the food was the pattern all all the dinnerware. Its kind of Pacific Northwestern Native American as captured by JC Penny's. I kind of liked it though, if only because I know that this place is the only one I will ever go with that dinnerware design. Overall, good breakfast, I may have just ordered the wrong thing. Try the blueberry muffin instead of the biscuit. I hear they are better there.

Also, I need to figure out whether I'm pro or against salad bars...

Polar Bears Eating Stupid People

2009-04-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

So here is yet another news story about stupid people getting way too close to wild animals in the zoo. Background: It's at the Berlin zoo, large white woman, its feeding time for the polar bears, no joke.

So ya, she climbed over the fence and fell into the polar bear pool during feeding time. So now you have a bunch of polar bears going, "Hey look! An albino sea lion. Those are delicious, like white chocolate." Watch that life ring snap in two when they are trying to pull her up, priceless. She was taken to the hospital and cited with trespassing.

It's times like these when I really wish Jurassic Park was a real thing. Because you do something stupid like this, and you don't survive to pass on your stupid genes to the next generation. You're dead. There is no surviving a mauling from a dinosaur. I tell you one thing, the news stories.... way better.

This is Brian Boshes reporting live from Jurassic Park. Tragedy strikes again today as yet another person, killed here this afternoon. People on the scene witness the woman trying to get into the Triceratops paddock when she was ruthlessly ripped to shreds by a pack of roaming Velocaraptors. The owners of Jurassic Park sent out yet another press release urging people "not to try to enter the dinosaurs' habitat. The 10,000 volt fences are there, for a reason". This brings the death toll at Jurassic park up to 1452 for 2009. In light of these recent events though, the park still reports that it is sold out for the 2009 season as people still think dinosaurs are really, really cool. This is Brian Boshes, reporting live, Jurassic Park.

De-Wolverinification

2009-04-12T14:57:00.000-07:00

I decided that I needed a change this weekend. A large part of this change involves removing a massive amount of hair from my head. My poor barber; we had some fun though. Here is a nice before shot:

The sides are a bit matted down from wearing my bike helmet (which is the other part of the change, more on this in a second). After about an hour of hard work and a couple jokes from me this is what we ended up with:

If I look a little strung out with its because I'm not used to having such little hair, and the picture was taken after $35 of sushi and saki, plus two more beers. I only got charged for one of the two, so chalk one up to the Bri-myster.

Ok so hair, GONE! I know. It was getting too much though. I was being brought on stage as Wolverine every time in the last couple of weeks, which, I know, I brought on myself, but it was becoming a little creatively stifling. Now I'm free from the bonds of facial hair (body hair is another story) and can write jokes that aren't about my likeness to a bad ass comic book character. That, and I'll just revert back to my old intro likeness, hobbit. For those that miss it, fear not, for I documented some comedy with the chops (and in character) that will be posted on the interwebs as soon as its edited.

Part two of my spring self-cleaning is that I've been biking to work again. I don't have fenders on my bike, so I can't ride when its raining, which in Seattle is severely limiting, but it doesn't really "rain" here much as just miserably precipitate all over everyone. That being said, I ride in the rain. Unless its pouring (ie, actually raining), and then I drive, because I have a car and that's why we invented them. In addition, I downloaded all the P-90X series of workout tapes and have gone through a couple of them. I wuss out at the halfway point, when the guy says its time to do all the exercises again, so I'm currently operating at around a J-45L workout level. This is fine for me now, as I'm still sore in places I didn't know I could be sore.

Off to do some writing for the day. I've got lots of gigs coming up around Washington. Have a sold out show in Richland with Brad Upton on the 24th (which you probably won't be going to), and I'll be hosting the Dating Game again at Laughs Comedy Spot on the 22nd (which you probably should go to). Check my MySpace for more details.

BJ

God spoke to me yesterday

2009-04-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

He said, "Brian, you probably don't need a hot link with your pulled pork BBQ sandwich."

I ignored the voice of God.

God now speaks through my colon. He is angry...

Two in one night

2009-04-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Because you've been so patient with me, I wanted to put up another little something. Remember my friend Glenn, the soon to be famous voice-over artist? Well he just released his second of two demos (my post in March covered the first one). This one features his "narrative abilities", like what you would hear over TV and movie previews. It's really well done with actual clips from real shows mixed in.

Listen to it here!

So, my favorite one is the Sunday ticket preview at the end, what do you think?

Back from Bend

2009-04-06T22:36:00.001-07:00

The Bend (International) Comedy Competition was awesome. I was knocked out in the first round! Wait Brian, how do those two go together? Well about the set. I thought I was going to connect a bit better with the crowd in Bend as I was told they were "smart" comedy audiences. They (being the judges and most of the audience) did not know who Wolverine was. It was a reference that the entire first joke hinged on. Not good. My new joke about doing drugs with a ninja turtle, ERROR, wrong again. The good news is, the people that did get it, LOVED it. My favorite was one waitress coming up to me the next night and feeling so happy because she went by the park that morning to see some guys LARPing, and because of my set the night before, she finally new what they were doing. :-) So, coming off of my Bend experience, I really feel jazzed at the path I'm plowing. Now though, I feel pressured more and more to write to this voice as the audience reacts and relates much better to this new character, but this, my friends is a good thing. The bad thing is that I haven't had that much time to write, that's another story.

Other highlights from the weekend:

Matching wits with the tour guide at the Deschutes Brewery (aka. my beer mecca in Bend)
Eating amazing breakfast biscuits the size of hamburger buns
Staying up until 3:30am doing Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions with my hotel roommate
Drinking amazing beer at one in the afternoon until about 3:30am (same night as above)
Beautiful drive leaving Bend for Salem. Ridiculous drive from Portland to Bend but reassurance in knowing I had chains and a full tank of gas.

Here is a picture of me in front of said brewery. If you squint you can see the amazing chops I have right now, but this picture really doesn't do them justice and I don't have a good picture yet where I don't look like Wolverine's dad.

In my new quest to visit places I would never get to visit without comedy as an excuse, I'll be off to Richland and Port Angeles, Washington in April. The former is part of Central Washington's Tri Cities area, the latter in on the peninsula. I will be visiting farms in both places most likely. Two more opportunities to see if my humor translates to what I've found is the safe harbor of Seattle and Portland. It only gets better from here my friends...

I owe you a blog post

2009-04-05T21:11:00.000-07:00

And this isn't it. Give me until tomorrow. I blame the sun...

Bend Comedy Competition

2009-03-22T18:47:00.002-07:00

I'm composing this post from the Oakland airport. I spent the weekend in Berkeley with friends (no gigs this time down) and was hoping to catch an earlier flight home. The flight I was trying to catch is now 2 hours late, which makes it really close to what I am currently booked on. Funny how that happens. Every time I think about bitching about flying now though I'm reminded of Key Lewis's bit on Conan (find it if you haven't seen it). Still, it's a business, this flying thing. If you went to a restaurant and you had to wait 2 hours to sit down, you would be pissed. You'd go to another restaurant. Now, assume EVERY OTHER restaurant did the same thing to you. Well, we'd eat at home? Airline material is hack, this is why I don't do it (much)...

In other news, friends, I'll be performing this year in the 1st annual Bend Oregon Comedy Competition. It's April 1st - 4th. There are two nights of quarter finals, of which I'm pretty sure I'm in the second of the two, then one night of semis and one night of finals. There is a good group of Seattle comedians that are going to to be making the trek down. If you try to find me on the list of comedians though, I'm not on it. Suckage! One of the original comedians dropped out and I got his spot last week. I would tell you who it is, but I wouldn't want you chastising him for being a wimp (or getting a better paying gig).

This isn't a really an entertaining post, I know. I'm kind of drained from all this sun I'm not used to, and the airport doesn't really scream comedy genius right now. I'm pretty sure its already been sucked out by two decades of funny people before me.

When I say I'm going to make t-shirts...

2009-03-19T18:02:00.000-07:00

...I make freakin t-shirts. Now I only had to make 5 attempts at getting a good screen, AND the 5th screen was completed around 1am on Monday. Knock off the fact that I spent $50 on supplies and another $30 on the two shirts (ya I only made two!), and it was a pretty fun experience in the end. At least now I know how to screen print my own shirts, right? Lesson learned though, I will never attempt to make t-shirts to sell. That is what the Internet is for.

If you read my last post, you should already know the backstory to why I had to make this shirt.

Yep, that's the final product. Awesome no? I wore it out to the open mic on Tuesday. The cool kids got it. Everyone else can suck it. And by "it" I mean my giant CGI enhanced NOT BLUE wiener. NOT BLUE, got it!?! Does it say anywhere on my shirt that I have a blue penis. No! It says hung like, as in size, not color. That thing in the center is not a boob with a mole on it. Go see the freaking movie. Douches.

Working on a shirt now that says "Expendable Crew Member" on it for the new Star Trek premiere cause you know at least a couple of people are going to die in it. Kind of a throwback to "Galaxy Quest" too. Again, my wit will be lost on the masses...

Giant Blue CGI Penises for EVERYONE!

2009-03-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

The overwhelming review that I've gotten from people who've seen the "Watchmen" is the following:

"It was an amazing movie. The ending was a bit weak. There was ALOT of full frontal blue glowing naked guy!"

After seeing the movie myself last week, I have to agree with the above review completely. I've included a picture of said blue glowing naked guy, Dr Manhattan, on the right. So, before seeing the movie though, I was wondering how many times you would see his junk. For the first 30 minutes of the movie they don't show it. Its always shots from the navel up or when he is standing full frontal, he has some weird black bikini bottoms on. I relaxed a bit. Then all of a sudden, he's lost the bottoms and its just out there! And he never gets the bottoms back. It's as if the movie producers said, "well now that we've crossed that barrier we don't have to go back." It wouldn't be so bad, except now every time Dr. Manhattan is the shot, I'm staring at it going, why is it being shown here? Does it add something to the scene? Why isn't he circumcised?

Ok so that's the way the character was portrayed in the graphic novel, so I'm willing to let that slide. But there were some amazingly attractive women in this movie and you barely see them naked. There is ONE boobie shot of the new Silk Specter, that's it, just one! Although it was good enough to make up from the scaring produced by CGI wang, the ratio of naked men to women in this movie is whack! Again, this wouldn't be a big deal, but who is the target audience of this comic book film? Girls with a fetish for glowing super human god like men? If Cosmopolitan puts out the article that says women need to hold out for their Dr. Manhattan's, us guys, we're all fucked.

That being said, it was an awesome movie. Most of the characters are bad ass and, although the movie is a bit slow, has a great story for the most part. Purists will complain that the ending is different and they missed some things, check out Wikipedia if you really must know.

By the way, I'm planning on making t-shirts that say "I'm hung like Dr. Manhattan" over the next week. That was really all I wanted to say in this post, but that would have been too short and I might have lost some of you. Now you know...

Step #1: Take Better Pictures!

2009-03-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

Its going to be a good week for comedy. I've got a feature set this weekend at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland, WA. If you are around Seattle, you really should come check it out. I'll be debuting my new comedy character. The more "intensely nerdy" Brian Boshes. It sounds better in real life. I'll also be filming on Saturday so new clips will be coming soon. That aside, I have something else to share with you today.

My friend James has fallen into a bit of luck with the ladies. This is said very mildly (which HE never does). Now, I'm a pretty handsome guy. I've got a good job. I own a car. I even tell jokes that some people find funny. What gives?!?! I'm funnier than James at least! Meth turkeys?!? Come on! That's just weird. How could you ever want to make out with a guy who's punch line is "meth turkey" (this arguement ignores the fact that I have a joke that ends with "Ninja Turtle / Care Bear").

I think I've figured it out though. This guy takes a way better picture than me. Evidence #1:

Just look at him. That's a great picture. You wouldn't even think to yourself that this guy wasn't as funny as Brian. It oozes confidence and a "well I don't care if you fuck me" attitude that I with I could capture on film. Case in point, I give you Evidence #2:

Who is that guy!?!? My god. It doesn't help that it's in B&W either, but this picture is giving Ted Bundy a run for his money (as far as pictures go) on the creepiness scale. Probably one of the weirdest smiles I've ever gotten captured on film. Then there's that hand. What was I doing? Saying hello to something, stretching out some unknown muscle in my back that needed attention, or just being weird? I think the latter. Thank god my hair has grown in from this time too, I don't even want to go there...

So there it is, the one singular reason I'm not doing so well with the ladies right now. Now that I've called it out, it shouldn't be an issue anymore. So, now that its been eliminated (as I promise not to take pictures like that anymore) let the deluge of pent up sexual aggression for my hot bod come pouring down on me. I'm ready!

Why Reply All is the Devil

2009-03-04T19:10:00.001-08:00

So someone at work today decided to send out an email and it somehow got the entire company (lets just say around 1000 people) receiving the message. It almost took down the mail server today. All of my "real" mail took about 30 minutes to get to me. Not that I'm a whiny techno-bitch that takes the internet for granted, but it did generate some amazing comments as the reply-alls started piling up. Basically what happened here was that people sent their message and then it didn't get posted for 15 mins. In that 15 mins, a bunch of people also replied. Hilarity ensues! Here is a select few of the responses that came through (in rough order of received time, from sane to ridiculous):

"To Whom it may concern:
I know that I wasn’t supposed to get this notification. However, I am just concerned that I got it INSTEAD of a required recipient. So this is just a note to let you know that someone might not have gotten the notice."
"Can we stop with the reply all he sent a cancellation"
"I should not have received this as well"
"STOP REPLYING ALL TO THIS MESSAGE. YOU WILL SEVERELY IMPACT THE PERFORMANCE OF OUR EMAIL SERVER." (this was sent reply-all)
"Unsubscribe" (it starts)
"Ah, I’m on here too"
"DO NOT HIT REPLY ALL ANYMORE!"
"No seriously. Stop “replying all” everyone."
"While we’re spamming on the topic, I receive a good deal of emails I believe I shouldn’t. Is this a good place to mention it?"
"Unsubscribe……Please"
"Unsubscribe does not work. Please just stop replying"
"Sending 'unsubscribe' to everyone in the company will not actually unsubscribe you from the list"
"UNSUBSCRIBE DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_timing
"Please stop responding to this email. Read all the strings if you don’t understand what is going on"
"Unsub please." (Does this guy think just changing the wording will help?)
"Cease and desist replying all immediately please"
"Subscribe me, please"
"before everyone leaves the party, check out my band’s music video"
"Everyone has been officially unsubscribed. Please do not reply to this email for settings to take effect. Thanks"

Who says the workplace isn't fun?

UPDATE: Today someone posted graphs detailing the situation yesterday. Here is one that's probably safe to share:

My friend the VO Artist

2009-02-28T16:29:00.000-08:00

If I had to pick my favorite thing about going to college, it would all the amazing people that I met and hopefully, if I have my way, continue to stay friends with. Especially the famous ones. My friend Glenn is working to become a voice over artist. Those are the guys that provide voices for TV, movies, video games, basically anywhere you need a great voice but couldn't care for shit what they look like. Don't get me wrong, Glenn is very attractive (no-homo), that's just who they are though. He sounds freaking amazing though. You're going to hear this guy on the radio real soon and you won't even know it he's that good! Don't believe me, give him a listen...

Oh and a note to all my other friends, get famous already so I can have someone to mooch off of.

The Renaissance Fair hits AZ!

2009-02-21T22:06:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while, I'll try to be better. I blame it on the fact that I've been working comedy hard this month and my blog is suffering for the sake of my live show. Comedy is art and art is suffering and something has to suffer! Just like they say in "National Treasure", "someone has to go to jail...". Man that movie sucked!

Anyways, I'm taking some much needed R&R down in Arizona with the parents this weekend. They have a great newspaper down here, the Arizona Republic. Maybe I'm just nostalgic, but it beats the pants off of anything in Seattle. Either this, or deep down inside I'm a republican. I'm hoping the paper is just better? So lately, I've been embracing my inner nerd in my comedy routine with some great results. I have a new joke about the Renaissance Fair which is slowly becoming the cornerstone to (hopefully) many funny jokes really soon. So I open the paper yesterday and what do I find, an add for the Renaissance Fair. Oh goody, they're in town! (along with the Arabian horse show, Fountain Hills art fair, another horse show, why so many horses, who knows...).

Ok, so take a look at the add they took out today. Its about 3"x8" just so you know...

So they're here through March 29th. That's a long time, but you can't beat the weather in Phoenix right now so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Now besides the fact that there is a sweet ass coupon in the lower part of this add, and ignoring that the fair has its own website (which in itself brings up yet another oxymoron), we are obviously drawn to the picture in the center. Who are these people and why the HELL wasn't I told about this event at the fair. I thought it was all turkey legs and mead, but apparently now there are hot chicks at the Renaissance fair!?!? Thankfully my scanner was able to capture this part of the add a little better...

That's right, you read this correctly, "Mediaeval Baebes". Man, spell check did not like that phrase one bit at all. They're in concert! Why? What are they "concerting" about? They are from England though, and those accents could be sexy. But are they modern sexy or just-evaded-the-black-plague sexy. Did anyone look like this back then, really? Classic "Fuck Me" Magazine says they are a "...mediaeval (oh yay, they can't spell either) poetry and early music in upbeat anglo sex-on-legs style. Sex-on-legs style? Music majors, help me out. Ever heard of this? Me neither. Is this part of the old English before-women-had-rights they were just big piles of sex-on-legs? "The allure is undeniable", true, but its also completely unknown. You're right, I cannot deny that I have no idea why I want to go see this show. Other than breasts of course. But I can just go to Fashion Square Mall if I want to see those. Are Bill and Ted running the Renaissance fair now? I really hope not. That was, hands down, the worst part of that movie.

Needless to say, I won't be going to this. I don't have an outfit and if I'm going I'm going to do it right. I'll just have to wait for the fair to hit the Pacific Northwest this summer and hopefully the Baebes come with it. Seeya then Baebes!

Country Music and Learning How to Grind

2009-01-29T21:00:00.000-08:00

Ok, so for this not to be too weird, I should let you know that I was born and raised in Arizona. My mom had a love for country western, and if she was driving, that was what we were listening to. That or the Disney medley cassette tape. Not that it was a bad time to be listening to country music, Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, Randy Travis. Men's men, singing about tractors and farming, women and old people, booze and more booze. That being said...

Today on my ride into work I lost my shit in the car. I was listening to the radio and they were playing a new Carrie Underwood song on the country station. Yes, I have a country station programmed on my radio. Please get over yourselves. Anyways, I couldn't quite place the melody until the chorus came on, and I realized it was a remake of Randy Travis's "I told you so". For some reason, it hit me really hard, like every memory of driving around with my Mom, and I got all misty and was like, fuck, this is not how I wanted to start my day. The same thing happened a year ago when I heard "Kiss me baby" by the Beach Boys on Pandora and melted at my desk at work. Anyways, YouTube has a mash up of the two versions, so you can get an idea of what they both sound like, check it out.

So you're thinking, this a comedy blog, that wasn't very uplifting Brian. I understand, and thankfully, the internets provided me with some more awesome as soon as I sat down at my desk (and listened to the above YouTube clip around a half dozen times). On my iGoogle homepage, I have an amazingly crappy widget called "How to of the Day". Its a wiki of "how to do things" and the best part about them is that nine times out of ten they are things you should already know, or are pointless to try and explain. Today's gem of an article is "How to Grind".

If you don't have the 2 minutes it takes to read this, let me pull some of the diamonds in the ruff out for you. If you do, go read it, cause its peppered with images of the guys that probably wrote the article. First the steps:

Dance near a person you want to grind with - Seems easy enough. Oh look, the word "dance" is highlighted, meaning there is another very informative wiki page on just dancing. Shit, if you don't even know what dancing is, I don't know if this wiki is going to do anything for you, especially in a day. Lets move on, assuming you've identified a victim and know how to "dance"
Dance with your your hips together - Not really true. I mean yes, hips together is important, but really it should say, try and wedge your junk within the small of her back, or have her place her bits on your thigh and rub vigorously. Cause really, isn't this WHY you decided to freak dance her in the first place? There are two helpful bullets in this section, the first instructs guys to grope the ladies, the second point instructs ladies to not get groped. Thumbs up!
Join a grinding chain - Yes! Why just freak dance one person when you can have someone freaking you at the same time! How does this happen, well the author simply puts that "Sometimes a two women will 'sandwich' a man, and others will latch on", WTF? I mean it's happened to be before, but I don't know why and you've been no help in explaining. The article should really just be a long article on how to make this "sandwiching" phenomenon happen on command. Wiki how to of the day, this is what I request of you!

The tips section is even better. I will some it up in one word, erections. Apparently it happens when someone is rubbing on your junk but they offer some friendly tips on how not to stab your dance partner. Classic!

Ok, made it through that article, great. One more thing before you leave. Head over to the related article, "How to Grind (for Girls)". You don't have to read the whole thing, in fact, I've just pulled out step 8 cause it's just that good:

"Be ready for the song to end. Usually, the guy will walk away. Sometimes he'll say something and sometimes not. Don't be offended if he just walks away in the middle of the song. Don't let that get to you. Just quickly find that friend you were dancing with before. Make it look like nothing is wrong and you're glad that he's gone. Also if you feel that the guy is starting to slow down and might leave, beat him to the punch. Leave him first!"

As you can plainly see here, the article was written by a lady with very high self esteem. Seriously?!?! Does anyone else feel like this step is strangely sexist? I mean, if I'm grinding with a girl, and she is willingly letting me grind on her, where the hell am I going to go!?!? Who are these people that are freak dancing with beautiful women and half way through think "F-this, I'm out!" If I'm slowing down, its because I'm going "holy shit this is awesome!" and trying to log the memory to hard storage below the 4 Jack and Cokes I had to try and get up the courage to do this and make sure my little friend would stay paralyzed in my jeans for the length of a Kanye West song.

I'll be bringing these to the open mic on Monday I think...

Love you!
B-spot

In Port Orchard, you get a gift basket!

2009-01-25T14:40:00.001-08:00

This week capped off my most busy week of comedy to date (which isn't saying that much in relative terms). I did a show Thursday, two on Friday, two on Saturday, one on Sunday, and one on Wednesday. The best part about them though was that I got paid for all of them! I'm like a working comedian and stuff...

The last two gigs deserve highlighting though. The one on Sunday was for a reform Jewish meet-up at a temple in Bellevue. I did 20 minutes in front of a bunch of older Jewish people, and you know what, it went well. Now, I didn't go into my online dating stuff to the full extent, but they got the "mount it over my fireplace line" and were quoting it after the show. I also didn't do any of my drug jokes. Probably a good call. They also fed me some of the best deli I've had up here in Seattle so far.

The gig on Wednesday was in Port Orchard. That's like an 1:10 minute drive with no traffic. I got there way too early so I got to "hang out" in Port Orchard. This was spent watching the recap of the Cardinals-Eagles game where the Cardinals won and sent them to the Superbowl. Side note, I didn't know you could watch an entire football game in 30 minutes and its definitely the way to go if you don't actually care about watching it in real time. All the best plays, and Madden doesn't talk! Especially if there is no sound on! Ok, so the gig went well. It was a little rocky until I pointed out that people from Bremerton were dim witted, whereas then I was informed that the entirety of the audience was from Bremerton (which I expected) and so I got to profess my love for nuclear submarines as well. Everyone wins! I had them after that...

Best part about Port Orchard (or more specifically, the Slip 45 where the gig was at) was at the end they give you a gift basket (in addition to getting paid) as a thank you for coming out. Here is a picture of said gift basket:
Pretty snazy huh!?! Yes, that's right kiddies, that's fudge in my freaking basket! I don't know why I'm using so many exclamation points today? Must be the weather. It's snowing again. I'm kind of done with it being cold here and it's so not over yet.

Anyways, time for me to write something brilliant. Catch you all soon!

This blog posting brought to you by the kick ass gift basket pictured above...

Yes, it is true...

2009-01-20T21:32:00.000-08:00

The more you quote me, the more legitimate and exciting your article becomes:

http://jew-ish.com/index.php?/stories/item/2359

Enough said, for now...

Paid Gigs and Battlestar Galatica

2009-01-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, Battlestar Galatica is back on TV. My nights aren't so lonely anymore! This is the last season, so its ending in about 12 episodes. Just saw the newest one on Hulu.com. Kind of a downer, but I didn't expect anything different I guess. Lost starts Wednesday, but I have a gig in Port Orchard that night so I'll have to catch it during the weekend I guess. My parents are into House and 24, which also start tonight, so everyone's happy. Yay!

This was a good weekend for comedy. Featured with Tom Rhodes at Laughs Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Thursday was a private gig for a tech company here in Seattle. I was bummed though, I thought it was going to be for Wachovia Securities. I thought of all these great jokes for them, and my friend Joe Larson (check him out, hella funny), gave me the line that "since they've merged with Wells Fargo, they are going to have to change their name to Wachovia InSecurities". Ended up being fun none the less. Did about 7 minutes just teasing them about having their Christmas party at a comedy club and the fact that they were a tech company. That stuff was awesome. Then, as soon as I tried to to my "real" act, I got shut down. I guess it doesn't matter how funny it is, when the punch line is about getting high at work, you're not going to belly laugh in front of your boss. Lesson learned.

Friday and Saturday were both great sets of shows. I wish they were all that easy. Gave away some business cards and I hope a get a few new fans out of it. Had some people coming up to me after the show saying that they always enjoy my act, so I guess you could say I'm beginning to generate a following.

Sunday was another private gig. This was definitely my most busy weekend as far as hours on stage. Coupled with Wednesday's gig over in Port Orchard, this will also be the most in a week that I've been paid to do standup. Still far from quiting my day job, but it's exciting none the less.

Nightmare in the Kitchen, Party in my Pants

2009-01-05T18:23:00.000-08:00

If you read my recent post about Starship Troopers, then you should be familiar with my TV-less state at the moment. If you haven't, stop reading and read that one, because its fucking brilliant. Next, go to Hulu.com and familiarize yourself with its awesomeness. Now...

I've come to the conclusion that Americans don't know how to cook, and by cook I mean run restaurants. They are two separate things, I understand, cooking and running a restaurant. The first; cooking. I know Americans as a whole don't really know how to cook. This group does not contain the group of Americans who recently emigrated to this country. They undoubtedly still have traditions they brought over from the "old country", where they still know how to make "food" without the help of a little glove or dough boy. Americans are getting a little bit better, thanks to global monstrosities such as Whole Foods and Rachael Ray, but we still have a long way to go. I can't believe its not butter!?!? I can't believe you are eating that crap! Still, other than my own observations, and the fact that I don't use margarine (any more), I have no ultimate proof that Americans can't cook.

The second part of my argument, that Americans can't run restaurants, has been proven unquestionably by being the source material for my favorite television show at the moment, "Kitchen Nightmares" (duh-duh-duuuuuuuuh). Kitchen Nightmares was first an English show. This proves that the British also can't run a restaurant, but this has been documented for hundreds of years I'm pretty sure.

Kitchen Nightmares, like the Office, was adapted to American TV. I don't know how far they had to go to "adapt" it. All they did was take the host, chef Gordon Ramsay, from England to New Jersey and let him continue to yell at people. That's pretty much the entire show, and the only reason to watch it, is in fact, to watch Ramsay go balls-out crazy at the owners of these restaurants for 44 minutes with five, 30 second commercials on Hulu. It's not like they don't deserve it mind you. The basic setup for any restaurant on this show has most, if not all, of the following going on:

No head chef, absentee head chef, or one who doesn't speak any English.
Owner is going to loose their house and is at least $200K in debt. Handlebar mustache or emotional tick optional.
Parents/friends/spouses of owner also duped into investing, they are going to loose their houses/children/pets/gun collection if restaurant fails.
Restaurant interior looks like a Dennys and a Waffle House had a baby restaurant with autism who's favorite activity is to paint on the furniture, and serve drinks.
Butter and oil are the two cooking spices, bought in bulk and of the lowest quality. If that doesn't solve it, cover it with cheese.
The entire fridge is filled with rotting food, no exceptions! Insects optional but encouraged.
The owner thinks everything is just fine; customers are just dumb and need to like cheese more.

Enter Gordon Ramsay and his team. He has a team yes, someone has to hold the camera while he screams. I really wish Hulu could play the un-censored version of this show. "Fuck" is Gordon's favorite word. He is so enthusiastic about that word, just about as much as he is about fresh food that isn't rotting. Here is a brief breakdown of what happens in each episode, broken down by the "day". Apparently all it takes is one week to fix a broken restaurant if you have Gordon Ramsey at the helm and Fox networks paying people to dine with you.

Gordon arrives, dines at restaurant, everything is shit. Gordon yells. Gordon leaves.
Gordon comes back. Fox packs place with diners who are getting paid to eat there. Restaurant hasn't had this many people in years. Restaurant fails. Gorden yells, possibly shutting down restaurant in the middle of service. Rotten food is found, all cheese is removed from building.
A "special" is added to the menu. Fox packs restaurant again. Restaurant screws up special. Gorden screams. Waitstaff cries. Owner storms out.
Gordon does life changing exercise with owner. Shows owner what fresh food looks like. Gordon's team takes autistic child restaurant interior and replaces it with autistic child wearing cool kids cloths interior. Waitstaff crys again.
Relaunch night. New menu. Things mostly go wrong. Gordon yells, but not as much as the show needs to end now. Sometimes Gordon hugs people. Waitstaff cries one more time. Gordon leaves and gives Christmas Carol-like warning of restaurant's need to change before "it's too late".

So that's what one episode is like. Now, every other episode is EXACTLY the same, so if you've seen one you've seen them all. Seriously, go watch two or three and figure it out for yourself if you don't believe me. The only reason to watch more than one is if you like different kinds of the same shit going wrong and Gordon's ever altering ways to use the word fuck at people. I happen to enjoy this, so I've seen most of seasons 1 and 2.

Actually, one bright spot in the sea of screaming profanities is the first episode of season 2, where we get to revisit all of the restaurants that are still alive after having been revived by Gordon and his team. Don't watch this episode unless you want to see the soft exposed underbelly of the hard-ass that is chef Gordon Ramsay. In this episode, he's the nicest guy ever! This leads me to believe that off camera he is sitting there with the cast going, "Look man, I'm sorry that I called you a fat mother-fucker on national TV, really the burnt cheese is actually MY favorite too."

In conclusion, if you're bored like me, and need to watch someone else take some shit for 40 minutes, "Kitchen Nightmares" is for you buddy!

Change is Here!

2008-12-31T10:43:00.000-08:00

Change has come my friends and you (maybe) were a part of it. That's right, yesterday, Brian Boshes was awarded the best comedy host in Seattle by the Seattle Comedy Blog, the CLOG. This was all because of you! All of those people that don't even live in Seattle, and those that have never seen me host, you still voted, and made this dream a reality. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Unfortunately, this long and arduous campaign has drained the coffers of the "Elect Brian Boshes for a Needless Award Fund" and needs to be rebuilt. You called for change, now be part of the solution. Donate as little as $25 to receive your very own business card with a picture of the 2008 Best Comedy Host on the back. Click here to donate today.

Thank you once again. Change is here today, starting Jan 5th!

Your friend and leader,
Brian Boshes
2008 Best Comedy Host in Seattle!

Beaverton, OR: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Stripclubs

2008-12-15T18:06:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Beaverton! First away gig outside of Washington(if you ignore my trip to NYC and DC). Ok, first PAID away gig outside of Washington. I got to stay in a real hotel, the Shiloh Inn Beaverton. Excellent place for $68 dollars a night. They've got a sports lounge, cigar bar, continental breakfast (which I never was up early enough to eat), jacuzzi, fitness center. I didn't use ANY of these things while I was there mind you, but they were available. The only downsides was anything white and linen in the room smelled horribly of chlorine bleach, and I could hear if the guy 14 doors down turned on his TV cause the walls were just that good.

The shows themselves where a learning experience to say the least. I learned the following things this weekend:

Do not tell jokes that are localized to Seattle outside of Seattle. At the very least, try to localize the punchline to where you are or tell a different punch line that doesn't care about road or casino names.
Never make fun of the local bar where everyone hangs out, even if everyone in there is really disgusting and crazy from your point of view. No one cares about your point of view, unless it's written material.
Even if the punch line isn't remotely racist, people in both Kirkland and now Beaverton are proven not to laugh if the words "black people" come at the end of a joke.
People in Oregon think strip club jokes are funny.

So more on this last point. I used to hate strip clubs. Emphasis on the used (just in case you couldn't see the bolded part). Really, its true. My first two trips to strip clubs have been terrible and scary. I went with people that had no idea what they were doing to places that catter to people having no clue what they are doing. Two wrongs make a horrifying, potentially scaring situation. Solution, go with people that know what they are doing to places that are awesome. Enter my friend (name suppressed on purpose) and the Dolphin II (a place not a person).

I did not want to go, not one bit. The part of me that has gotten totally fucked over by visits one and two to these kinds of places was screaming, "get the fuck out of the car and walk back to the Shiloh!" My friend turns to me, explains the pros to visiting an establishment such as the Dolphin II. I wasn't going to get hustled. I could pay my cover, get one drink and sit and no one would bother me if that's what I wanted. Sounded like a fair deal. I was calmed a bit. I went in. I got a drink, but was still incredibly nervous. Went to the bathroom. They had a bathroom attendant that looked straight out of "Fantasy Island". Ok this is getting better. Wait a second, the girls here are really attractive, and I get to pick where I sit, and, holy crap, this drink is delicious and was decently priced. Where the fuck am I? Beaverton Oregon mutha fucka!

Once seated, my friend turns to me and says, "Ok, you don't have to use these, but when you are ready, mosey up to the pit (where the ladies were dancing) and place a couple of these on the edge like that guy is doing if you want them to dance near you", and hands me a stack of 10 ones. Needless to say, I went through the stack of 10 ones, and a bunch more ones, and a couple $20s. I bought a lap dance from a lady named "Silk". She rubbed the crap out of my hair and it was awesome. She also said I looked like John Lennon. Ladies, take note. My friends bought me a second dance from a stripper named "Jordan". Jordan complimented me on how good I smelled. In reality she, whether she knew it or not, was actually complimenting Silk on her use of perfume and Juicy Fruit since that is what she was probably smelling on me.

In the end, I ended up checking into my hotel at 3am. Thankfully there was somebody there. THAT would have sucked. He was like, "you with the comedy show?" Heh, how did you know? The rest of the weekend was excellent. Had some great times with all of my Portland area friends, some good breakfast foods, and almost got snowed in for a couple of days. Good thing I have chains for the VW Rabbit. I can't wait to go back and visit Portland, and the ladies at the Dolphin II.

A Sci-Fi classic for the holidays

2008-12-10T21:17:00.001-08:00

So I've been sick for the last couple of days, which has left me bed, or should I say, couch-riden throughout the day. I mean I can only work on my model boat for so many hours in a day. Regardless, I have been scouring my favorite online media site, hulu.com, for a movie to watch and I came across something I haven't seen in at least a couple of years, and never in its entirety. What was this movie friends, why, "Starship Troopers"!

First of all, if you have seen the movie, and haven't read the book, read the book. I know people always say that, but it will really give you a greater respect for what a colossal fuck up job someone did converting that book into its feature film debut. So right now, stop reading this blog entry and go order the book (by Robert A. Heinlein) from Amazon.com. Its $8 and well worth it.

So we'll get the "why the book is better than the movie" out of the way first. Diz, who is played by Dina Meyer in the movie, is a guy in the book and dies in the first 5 pages. Not that the redheaded female in the movie isn't amazingly attractive and bad-girl bonable, but its fun to know that the character what basically invented for that very reason, as there is basically nothing that character is based on (more on her later). There is an entire race of people introduced in the book that's not in the movie, which is almost a, "why the movie is better" as their inclusion in the book makes little sense. But seriously, the one thing they lost out on was the armor. My friend and I have had various back and forths on this. In the book the armor makes each mobile infantry solider a walking tank with a jet pack. They can scale buildings and have integrated computer infrastructure. What did the movie get? Nerf toys! They took the helmets from the football game in the first scene and painted them black. No wonder the bugs ripped them to pieces. Oh and does anyone else think that Halo's Master Chief is basically using the same gun from this movie? Side note, the book also has an infantry division, the K-9 division in the book, with TALKING DOGS! Hollywood apparently does not think we are ready for talking dogs (except for Dani DeVito in "Look Who's Talking Now" and about 7 Disney movies). Come-on, we could have handled it, and it would have been great! You and me pup, lets go kick some bug ass...

Ok, deep breath, that's over with. Seriously, read the book, watch the movie again.

The movie is an amazing watch though, especially through the "I know this is going to be crap" glasses. The cast is actually pretty great for this one. Already formentioned, the amazing redhead. Added to that we've got Denise Richard, sneaking this movie in right before everyone's favorite lesbian pool scene "Wild Things". Her and the redhead would have made a better pool scene. There's Doogy Houser (aka NPH), making one of his very rare appearances between childhood doctor and the new sing along blog everyone is freaking out about (including your's truely). Michael Ironside, which he should have just used as his name in the movie, as a robotic armed leader named Rasczak. The star, Casper Van Dean, apparently has done many things since "Starship Troopers" says IMDB, none that I have seen.

As this is already getting to be sort of a long entry I'll dive right into the highlights of this great film. First of all, since its a B sci fi movie, we've got to have some nudity. Its almost as if the director was saying, this is where I would start to lose interest, lets show a tit. That's basically what it comes down to. They could have done a better job spreading it around though, you get all your boobies in one fail swoop in the boot camp shower seen. Don't get me wrong, they were all faboulous sets of boobies (and thanks to Hulu, I could pause for each one), and male tooshies for the ladies (which I also paused for), but there were definitely points where I could have used a nipple later in this film. They almost try for one when there is a tent sex scene, but the directors also realized that this movie had to end in a decent amount of time, so we as the viewer are only left to wonder if Diz is a top or a bottom.

The second amazing thing in this movie, which I missed the first time, is when a flying bug is rectally violating a trooper with its giant pointy member thing. Rasczak picks up a gun, zooms in (where we are offered a better view of the bug-man anal rape scene), and shoots the guy, exclaiming, "And I expect you to do the same to me." Classic! Since this is a B-movie, I'll spoil it and let you know, someone does have to do the same to him, but we don't get to see the violation that he is undergoing at the time (but you know its there).

Number three, Rico, the handsome but dumb star of our saga, is being pined over by two gorgious women throughout this movie. I'm pretty sure he gets to do both of them, although its only alluded to with Denise's character. Conveniently, the night after fucking the crazier of the two (Diz, the redhead), she dies. Remember Diz from the book? He died too, so this is where the book and the movie sync up. Welcome to page 5. Doogy Houser does not get laid in this movie because his character is gay. I'm pretty sure that character was not in the book, I don't know why he is here. Seriously. He is supposed to be the smartest of the bunch, but his dialog is just as bad.

I don't even have time to go into all the awesome one liners that could be generated from viewing this film, so I'll leave that up to you as homework. Although the book numbered only the single iteration, as film viewers we are blessed with Starship Troopers II & III. Amazon tells me that Casper Van Dien, the original Rico, is in the third one, so that seems promising. I always love it when they get the orginal B actors for the B movie sequel. These went straight to video (I hope), but you can buy the entire trilogy in Blue Ray! Oh happy day! If I had a TV, and a blue ray player, this would so be on my Christmas list.

I'm a terrible blogger...

2008-12-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. I should be better at this. I just feel so guilty updating this thing at work, and then when I'm home from work, the last thing I want to do is get back on and continue typing away. Regardless, one of my New Year's resolutions is to write more. Blogs, scripts, funny stories. I will take a writing class in the spring.

I've been sick for the past 3 days, which means I've gotten more sleep this weekend then I think I got the whole previous week combined. The previous statement is probably more of a testament to why I got sick in the first place. Still my joke about me being sick looking like I've masturbated in every room of my house is ringing true once again (for proof that this joke exists, watch my clips at brianboshes.com). I'm currently quarentined myself in my 1 bedroom and have so far cooked a nice helping of bread pudding, squash, and continued to work on the model boat that will never be finished.

In the comedy front since I've last posted, things have taken off. I've started featuring, which means that somehow I've collected enough material to do 30 minutes straight. Its a great feeling and I love doing the feature spot, although there will still be a place in my heart for hosting. I have my first away gig next week in Beaverton, Oregon. I'm getting paid and they're putting me up in a hotel and everything. Its like I'm semifamous. I've got a crap-ton of gigs through the holiday season and I've been booked as a feature in Kirkland again for Valnetines day and again in March, so my spring is looking to get full up as well. I hope to visit my friends and the other comedy markers of SF and LA in the early spring. I'm hoping SF in late Feb and LA in late March/early April. I'm looking to get some real gigs down there in addition, so I'll have a "reason" that isn't just hanging out with awesome people who I miss way too much.

Ok, I'll let you know how the Beaverton gig goes soon. Tomorrow night is the Jewish Youth Federation non profit comedy show. Let's see if I can't find my future wife, or at least future make out buddy at the show?

Bumbershoot Weekend

2008-09-03T10:42:00.000-07:00

Bumbershoot has come and gone; it was a great Labor day. The Fresh Faces show was amazing. In fact, all the shows that day were amazing over at the Comedy West stage. All the shows were booked by the People’s Republic of Komedy (aka PROK) and each lineup was awesome. In fact, all the shows were standing room only, so we were performing for around 200 people at 1:15 in the afternoon, that’s pretty good.

Everyone’s sets were great. Yours truly closed out the show doing the best A-list jokes I could think of with a couple never before told tags to keep things interesting. My writing buddy, James Parkinson, was very upset cause the new tags destroyed. I had so much fun on stage I started laughing at my own jokes. James taped it and Kevin from PROK got an amazing audio feed off the mixing board, both of which I hope to get my hands on in the coming weeks. Afterwards, all the Fresh Face performers did a video blog entry about our show for the Stranger (Seattle’s independent newspaper) and I got to plug my upcoming feature performance at Laughs next month.

Thanks to all that came out to see the show. Sorry if you came out and couldn’t get in.

I’m hosting this weekend in Kirkland for Brian Dunkleman, and I’ll be at Laff Hole @ the Rebar in Seattle on the 17th.

Summer headshot

2008-08-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

My parents came up and visited this weekend. Unfortunatly for my comedy, I love my parents and we have a very functional relationship together. They don’t understand where my need to perform on stage comes from, but what they can understand is our shared love for all things fermented, but not distilled, so basically beer and wine. On saturday, we made like any upper middle class white family with kids over 21 and visited the great warehouse wineries of Woodinville, Washington. Six wineries later we ended up at Redhook brewery and captured this picture which looks strangly like a version of my bearded self 4 months ago (see “Images” section).

I think I’m doing a pretty good job holding it together in my sunglass that I think were stolen from my couisn’s Bat Mitzvah. I need sunglasses like 17 days out of the year here, and I usually loose things like that, so I haven’t invested in a decent pair. My parents and I shared some nachos, which were of course, the best nachos we had ever had, but that could have been the 6 wine tastings and a pint of beer talking. On the way out, my parents attempted to buy me a hat…

Ya I didn’t end up getting a hat, and my Dad still wonders why I insist on making faces like this when he tries to take a picture of me sometimes. After a long family dinner at my grandfather’s condo, my parents saw me do standup for the first time live at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland. They then promply passed out from the long day and I had to drive them home. Thanks Mom and Dad for the awesome weekend and all the support!

Its no FAJÄRKKEN

2008-08-31T10:37:00.000-07:00

This is what my friend Max sent me after his last trip to “The Ikea”…

I’m glad that my comedy is ringing true for some people

Why I love hosting

2008-08-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I hosted for the stand-up troupe, “Stand-up and Deliver” at Laughs Comedy Spot in Kirkland. The members of that troupe are all very nice people and pretty good comics. That being said, I totally shit on everyone’s introductions from the get-go. I called a guy by the wrong name, forgot one of their last names, and called a Mrs. a Mr. That being said, it became this great running gag and the comic agility that I’ve been working so hard to get good at meant that I never really lost the crowd. So ya, it was a great show, and on of the reasons I love hosting.

That being said, I have a lot of non-hosting gigs coming up next month. Check out my MySpace page right now for a complete listing of performances. Coming up next week is Bumbershoot, which I’m getting more and more excited about performing at. It will be a chance to introduce what a do to a whole new slew of people.

Other notables this week: I wrote down 3 new premises that I’m looking forward to trying out next week at the open mics. This weeks open mic, my friend Jeff and his family and friends paid a visit to the Owl & Thistle. For their efforts, Jeff left with a slashed tire…

Booked as a Feature

2008-08-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

Yes friends, the time has come when Brian moves up from a host to the coveted next role of “feature”. Its like I’m leveling up in some MMORPG, but its in real life and almost as nerdy. Basically, it means I’m going to be doing all my best material, almost 30 mins worth. The definition of best will be determined on how close I am to having 30 mins by the time I have to do this. Here are the tentative details:

Laughs Comedy Spot (12099 124th Ave NE, Kirkland, WA 98034)

October 24th & 25th, 8 & 10pm shows. There is a special preview show on Thursday the 23rd as well.

I’m doing two shows each night, plus the one on Thursday, so I’ll be doing a more than two hours of comedy that weekend. On the 19th I will be turning 25, my quarter century birthday. So this could be an awesome birthday present, or a reason to quit comedy. You won’t know unless you check it out. I’ll probably have a new clip come out of this weekend so if you’re not in Seattle, check back here after to see something.

Bite of Seattle

2008-07-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

This weekend I hosted the “Bite of Seattle”, hosted by Comcast. I must have said that phrase a million times. This was my first big hosting gig outside of a comedy club, so that experience alone was worth it. I got to introduce some great headliners over the weekend. Some of the notables that performed included:

Brad Upton
Geoff Lott
Joe Vespaziani
Andy Peters
Jack Mayberry
Rod Long
Marc Yaffee
Vince Valenzuela
Dax Jordan

What a list I know. And it was all for free! We had people staying the whole day. I think we handed out like 500 free passes to the Mainstage and Laughs Comedy Spot.

I was really shaky the first day, but by the end of the weekend I was flying through the intros. Sunday we had a special treat, the “Las Chica Cazadores”. I couldn’t say it because I’m very white and very Jewish. The lovely ladies travel around the country promoting Cazadores tequila with their amazing tequila tasting talent (read: amazing bodies and voices). I got to introduce and take them off stage, there was some touching, and a lot of douchebags in the audience who were jealous I’m sure (I know of at least one). My favorite line this weekend was after the ladies left the stage going, “I’m sure a lot of you guys had to turn to your wives right now and go, ‘I didn’t know, they said it was going to to be comedy, oh well might as well stay.’”

I didn’t do much comedy at the hosting gig but it was a chance to watch a lot of great comedians work and talk to them about the life of a comedian. I got paid too which helps. Ready for a new week and I have a lot of new material that I can’t wait to try out on stage.

Bremerton, WA: Thanks for the laughs…

2008-06-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I had one of my first “road gigs” out to Bremerton, Washington. I want to say first road gig as it was the most time spent in the car to do comedy. One and a half hours there and the same back. It went fast due to the comedy stylings of Patton Oswald and his “222″ album. If you’ve never heard it, you must check it out. I cried laughing at one point, and I don’t think I’ve done that in a long time. I digress.

Bremerton was a great gig, over at the Cloverleaf Bar & Grill. Its in the Kmart parking lot in Bremerton, wherever that is, I wasn’t driving. Headlining was the great Peter Grey, who will be headlining at Laugh’s Comedy Spot July 5th. I’ve never actually watched him do more than an open mic set, so it was great to watch him really stretch out and be hilarious. One the way home, we “talked shop” about the comedy scene in Seattle and the next steps for my career. I look forward to working with him and all the other Seattle greats in the coming months (ie, comedy greats, take me with you to gigs please).

I probably need a haircut, but until then, like the awesome entertainer that I am, I will continue to make it a part of my act until that happens. No big gigs on the horizon yet for any of my adoring fan, but I’ll be sure to let you know when that happens.